be defined?

ONE OF US TRIES

U.S.a. $2.00 CanaDa $2.50

Ck ce -
e

MIN EaDEr-[O.onuceo iSsUe™

0°140157"8

ae pulls it off every day.

Oil Control Make-up

and Powder by Maybelline.

100% oil |

Tough on oil.

reT-Vabil-meolamey <iaP

MAYBE SHE’
BORN WITH |

COVER GIRL LIP ADVANCE.
NOW MORE LUSCIOUS,
MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN EVE

mt LASTS AND LASTS HAS

VASE KON NCCWNKO)=\ 1D)
(AMIN E AS WELL AS SPF 15

© 1992 Noxell Corp.

COVER GIRL” CHRISTIE BRINKLEY IS WEARING REDWOOD.
Shades from top to bottom: Crimson, Seashell, Poppy, Honeysuckle, Bordeaux.

S Gol Tee N “GB E|A US

neg s Poul YY

M _ Feader-produced
Issue #a

The lovely, happy face on the cover belongs to
Ceylone Boothe, 21, of the Bronx, NY.
Seventeen-year-old Charles Ramsey of New
Orleans, LA photographed her and Sheri

So You Want To Live On Mars?

Spend a few trillion. Wait a few hundred Norris, 16, of Los Angeles, CA applied just
years. It could happen. Really. 48 the right amount of makeup.
Why Black Unity In South Africa -

Is Not Happening A , ‘
How come the two largest black | t X UV) 5
political organizations are fighting each
other instead of the government? 62

PMS: Misogynist Propaganda?
Girls, don’t buy the sexist hype about
Premenstrual Syndrome. 66

Generation? We Don’t Need No
Stinkin’ Generation

An action-packed semiotic sightseeing
tour of late capitalism. 68

tal :
pantents

SASSY (ISBN 0-9588405-3-9) is published monthly by Sassy Publishers, Inc., 230 Park Avenue, NY, NY 10169. Address

— ie

ww sail

I ng pe ee

What He Said
What would he do if one day he woke
up as a woman? 24

What Now
A warning to the fainthearted: Amanda
mocks Docs. 42

Skater Babes: Asexual or Not?

An in-depth exploration of the amorous
proclivities of those elusive foxes we all
know as skaters. 46

Indie Rock Memoirs: Resurfacing
the Acne Years

Seven mainstream-snubbing artistes
recount tales of adolescent trauma. 52

Surviving the Concert Crush
A guide to the pit (when there’s a whole
lot of other people there too). 64

all editorial and advertising mail to SASSY, 230 Park Avenue, NY, NY 10169. Manuscripts, photos, illustrations and One To Watch

other material submitted must be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed envelope. SASSY cannot be responsible

for unsolicited material. Subscriptions in U.S. and possessions: One year, $14.97. One year, Canada: $21.97, which What’s SO special about this lad? We did
includes postage, handling and GST; all other countries, one year: $24.97. All prices in U.S. currency. Single copy: .

$2.00. Single copy, Canada: $2.50. For subscriptions and address changes write: SASSY, PO Box 57503, Boulder, CO not know. We asked his dad. 90

80322-7503, or call toll-free, 1-800-274-2622. Second-class postage paid at NY, NY and at additional mailing offices.
USPS No. 002-542. Copyright ©1992 by Sassy Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Reproduction without permission is
strictly prohibited. SASSY is a trademark of Sassy Publishers, Inc. Postmaster: Send change of address notices to
SASSY, PO Box 57503, Boulder, CO 80322-7503. Printed in the United States. Vol. 5, No. 10 ISSN 089-999-53.

<
\ »” 2 Farmland
IK HS

Bed Heads
Slumber party garb, ’50s style. 14

a2 ocr 02 &

ani. sy t

PASTEURIZED
HOMOGENIZED
VITAMIN DB

MILK

Making It
What we did with a pillowcase you wouldn't believe. 18

You Are Beautiful
You are, you know. But what particular brand? 50

“And Then Something Went Bump!”
Bright, bright colors and big, big hats, as inspired by a
certain cat. 54

Zz

lt bad

Ditierung Zee e
NS £

Diary
The lowdown on what transpired during our three
weeks in Manhattan. 6

Eat This
The miracle that is SPAM. By Sam. 20

We Color It
The editors sacrifice their locks for the betterment
of humanity. 22

Are You All Right, Are You OK?
Otherwise known as “Help” when us readers
aren't here. 28

Reader-Produced Issue Announcement #4

Envious of our power and glory? You too can run Sassy
next December, but you need to read this first. 78

Pop Quiz
Self-Discovery Now! 26

Vintage Watching
Instead of renting Wayne’s World for the
30th time, try one of these fine flicks. 34

Stuff We Wish We Wrote

Our favorite quotes/lyrics/verses. Some
profound, some trivial, all suitable for
memorization and recitation. 36

Fiction
The winner of Sassy’s fourth-annual fiction
contest, in all its splendor. 7O

Where It’s At
Where to be a consumer. 85

What’s Missing Here
Horoscopes the hard way. 88

3

SMH (US) inc.

f

let

e

iM

day. ano

ther swatc

tuesday
10:38 am

What About
Your Gierds?

TLC WANTS TO
KNOW!

In 100 words or less, write
about what friendship means
to you. WIN an afternoon
with TLC!

Their PLATINUM debut
album includes the smash
“What About Your Friends”
plus the hits “Baby-Baby-
Baby,” “Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg”

and more.

i
iy
‘ :

Send your entry in right now!
Don't wait - contest entries must be
received by 1/15/93.

Send all entries to: TLC, c/o
SASSY Magazine, 230 Park
Avenue, New York, NY 10169
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY

RULES

The contest is subject to all, federal, state and local laws
and regulations. Liability for federal, state and other taxes
imposed on the prizes is the sole responsibility of the
winners. Offer void where prohibited by law. Entry
constitutes permission to use entrant's name, voice,
likeness, photograph and entry for editorial, public relations,
promotional and advertising purposes in all media on behalf
of Sassy Publishers, Inc. without further compensation.
Enter as often as you wish but entry must be in a separate
envelope. Winners will be chosen on the basis of creativity,
content and appeal to our readers. All entries must be
original, unpublished and the sole work of the entrant.
Winners will be chosen by ARISTA on or about 2/1/93. The
decision of judges is final. Winners will be notified by mail.
Winners will be required to sign an Affidavit of Eligibility and
Release within ten (10) days of notification. If a winner is a
minor, parental consent, an affidavit and release will be
required. Cotler will provide the following prizes: The grand
prize winner will receive the opportunity to meet TLC. Prizes
are not exchangeable or transferable except at the
discretion of SASSY Magazine and ARISTA and a
substitution of equal or greater value will be made. All
entries remain the property of SASSY Magazine and cannot
be returned or acknowledged. No responsibility is assumed
for lost, late, incomplete, illegal or misdirected mail. This
contest is open to residents of the U.S. Employees of Lang
Communications, ARISTA, their employees, agents,
affiliates, subsidiaries and families are not eligible.
Sponsors shall not be liable for injury, loss or damage of
any kind resulting from participation in this promotion or
from acceptance or use of the prizes awarded. For a list of
winners, available after 2/1/93, send a separate self-
addressed, stamped envelope to: Winners - ARISTA c/o
SASSY Magazine, 230 Park Avenue, NY, NY 10169. Attn:

Evan Jahn
or
© 1992 LaFace Records.

Manufactured and Distributed by Arista Records, Inc.
A Bertelsmann Music Group Company.

ee LE ES ET ST EES

Hi! | don’t know
how to write this.
That’s because |
don’t really exist.
There was no Jane
for this issue, so
| am the collective
voice of the eight editors
who assembled in New York City this August
to put this puppy together. For all you know, |
could be Elvis. (In which case the voice of this
issue is throaty, sultry, yet undeniably tender.) |
also don’t know what to write because of how
very different said editors are. Very different.
Which is why there is also no overriding theme
or message, short of this: “Free thought, man,
free thought.” So we wrote and picked stories
that talked as seriously about skater-boys’ sex-
uality (or lack therof) as we did about black-on-
black violence in South Africa. We also cut a
lot of the reviews, because who are we to tell
you?

While we’re talking about how nonparti-
san and freethinking we are, keep in mind
that we very willingly accepted free gifts from
corporations like Kodak and PolyGram, and
are now convinced that their products are far
superior to those of their competitors. In
fact, Features Editor Samantha almost had to
do Lamaze breathing to keep from passing
out at the assorted SPAM booty (T-shirts,
baseball caps and piggy banks) sent by Mr.
Grev of Hormel.

All of these mixed messages have left me
unsure of what I’m supposed to sound like.
Here’s an idea, though:

Fashion Ed Erin sums up her NYC experience:
“| learned so much about the world of fashion.
It was a life-changing, mind-altering experience
that left me speechless until now.” Beauty Ed
Sharon nearly spontaneously combusted when
Red Hot Chili Pepper Anthony Kiedis signed
her T-shirt while she and Erin frolicked at the
club CBGB. Oy, you shouldn’t know from her
joy. Features Eds Laura and Amanda checked
out Quicksand, a cool new band that opened
for Helmet at the Marquee. Laura reports that
they did an impressive cut of the Smiths’ “How
Soon Is Now?” and that the lead singer was
wearing brown cords which she found to be
“in good taste.” Features Ed Dan and photogs
Storm and Charles bonded as brothers and

went chica-scoping at a club called Nell’s. (“That
was not explicitly our purpose,” says Dan.)
They were unsuccessful.

In the midst of all this, we very different people
all grew to appreciate each other. Art Director
Jesse was initially freaked by her hotelmate
Samantha’s habit of getting a second wind
around 11:00 pm. But she eventually grew to
love the fact that “Samantha would go jogging
as | was falling asleep.” And Dan has come to
believe that “from now on, | always want to be
surrounded by seven or eight women.” Says
Amanda: “I thought Christina Kelly [that regu-
lar Sassy staffer] would be a bitch, but she was
actually the nicest, sweetest person.”
Stereotypes destroyed. Barriers broken.
Lessons learned. Only at Sassy.

Really and truly, though, only at Sassy. Even if
you hate this issue (which you won’t), you
should love Sassy all that much more. They
took a big risk that they stood to gain nothing
from. They really did give us total freedom to
wreak havoc with their magazine. Like, this
could have been a Brady Bunch spectacular if
we had so wished. Can you think of any other
institution that gives so much power to
teenagers? No, you can’t, because practically
everyone in the adult world either treats us like
street scum, patronizes us or exploits our
impressionable selves. (How cheap is that zit
commercial where the hot girl ranks on the
guy and calls him pizza face and the announcer
goes, “No one will tell you to your face that
you've got too many pimples’’?)

Sassy is the exception to this rule. They
empower youth, give us respect and freedom.
So we'd like to give the staff a figurative zerbert
for doing this every year, for letting us prance
about the place like we owned it, and for gen-
erally being fabulous. Extra sloppy zerberts to
Mary Kaye, Anne B., Mom and Mike for toler-
ating our (ahem) work ethic, and simultaneous-
ly giving us the guidance to do it in a coherent
way. Wetter-than-bayou-country-zerberts to
Noél for saving our collective butt, and being
nice about it. Also, big hugs to chaperones Tali,
Ophie and Angela for dragging us around and
being great friends.

Does this give you an idea what | (collective
voice of editors) sound like? If not, who cares?
The rest of the mag is still wunderbar. So turn
those pages. We think there’s something for
everyone, even Elvis.

INDULGE. LASHES SO LONG | NEVER HAD IT SO LUSH.

NEW COVER GIRL
LONG ’N LUSH MASCARA.
NOW, ALL THE LUXURY,

ALL THE LENGTH,

ALL THE CARE YOUR

LASHES REALLY NEED.

EVERY STROKE OF THE

LASH ELONGATOR BRUSH
LENGTHENS LASHES LUXURIOUSLY.
THE VITAMIN E AND

KERATIN FORMULA CARES

AND CONDITIONS. FOR
LUSHER-THAN-EVER LASHES.
YOU'LL SEE!

LASHES SO LONG
NEVER HAD IT SO LUSH.

Ophthalmologist tested.

© 1992 Noxell Corp.

N G@® BiE AU I IF Uae

8 DECEMBER SASSY

Not pictured for some reason:
Tracy Anderson, writer
Autumn Beckett, illustrator
Kellie Kilmartin, writer

Chelsea Schrenk, photographer
Stephanie Spagnolia, illustrator
Krysti Spence, photographer
Sarah Thornton, illustrator

*The ages and city/states of non-editor contributors
are with their stories.

throughout the sue. Duh.

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COVER GIRL NIKI TAYLOR
Re OP Ber

Lee Basics. Because three
years ot high school is a long time
to hold your breath.

Maybe its not your school that's overcrowded and uncomfortable, Maybe it's your jeans. Lee* Basics
are designed to conform to the curves of your body, giving you a comfortable fit that looks and feels
great. So you can wear jeans that give you room to breathe. And leave everybody eke breathless.

B A S I C€ R -f if- i

WON SIT CSET

Bors.

add ALONG NI adVaT

‘ANVdWOO_Av |
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ARATDE CRMC IION Sie Le

“paradis

pfodor

photography: jean—baptiste mondino

REMARK"

roduced by lenn
‘ ¥ eniiz

management: didier pain in association with RDM Inc.

© 1992 PolyGram Records. Inc

EDITORS

FLEET COMMANDER
DAN BELASCO

GUBERNATOR
LAURA MATTER

RANDOM AUTHORITY FIGURE
AMANDA REAM

POSTMASTER GENERAL
SAMANTHA SHAPIRO

ART DIRECTORS

AKI KANO & JESSICA ROWE
FASHION EDITOR
ERIN DOWDING
BEAUTY EDITOR
SHARON CHOW

RESEARCH EDITOR
GABY ASCHER

Mary-Kate Arnold, Storm Hale, Charles Ramsey,
Chelsea Schrenk, Krysti Spence

Whit

Tracy Anderson, Mary-Kate Amold, Mark Butler,

Diana Ecker, Megan Fredericks, Kellie Kilmartin,
Katie Schmidt, Ethan Smith, Jennifer Waits

Shhustrators
Autumn Beckett, Sarah Thornton, Stephanie Spagnolia

Models
Taryn Baer, Ceylone Boothe, Janitzia Cabreja,
Elizabeth Kirsch, Naomi Richardson, Heidi Torres

Hain & Makeup Artist

Sheri Norris

PUBLISHER
ADVERTISING MANAGER © en Antovilie
FASHION MANAGER Jettrey Greif

ACCOUN TEX ECUTIVES
Jill Egeiste tike Fish, Nancy Levine,
TA. Waish (Classified)

Maria McDaniel, Ecizabe
ADVERTISING COORDINATOR Cynthia Schuster
SALES ASSISTANTS Coristine Hebert, Sharon Mofey
INTERNS Natalie Lux, Tracy Murphy
MAIN OFFICE
230 Park Ave. New York; NY 10169
Phone: 212-551-950¢ Fax: 2 12-599-4597

WEST COAST OFFICE
WEST COAST ADVERTISING MANAGER Jil! Epstein
ACCEOMT EXECUTIVE Sydell Cooper
5900 Wilshire Bivd, Ste. 726. Los Angeles, CA 90036
Phone 213-937-0452 Fax: 213-938-8359
MIDWEST OFFICE
MIDWEST ADVERTISING MANAGER Sandy Haworth
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES Tory Carroll, Vanessa Tinsley
401 N. Michigan Ave. Si te. 860, Chicago, IL 60611
Phone: 312-321-3460 Fax: 312-321-1856

MARKETING SERVICES DIRECTOR Andrea Vegar Gingold
PROMOTION DIRECTOR Robin Levine Sigman
PROMOTION COORDINATOR Ariane Linnéa Maclean
PROMOTION ART DIRECTOR Jan Borowicz
CORPORATE CIRCULATION DIRECTOR Liberta Abbondante
CIRCULATION MANAGER Suzanne Pappas
FULFILLMENT BUSINESS MANAGER Donna lwanski
VICE PRESIDENT OF MANUFACTURING Rosemary P. Sullivan
PRODUCTION DIRECTOR Connie Pinkowski
PRODUCTION MANAGER Danielle Pavone
PUBLIC RELATIONS MANAGER Genevieve R. Nelson
PUBLICITY COORDINATOR Stefanie F. Miller
GENERAL MANAGER Eileen Hoffman
ASSISTANT BUSINESS MANAGER Elisa Gordon
DIRECTOR OF CORPORATE SALES Ellen Abramowitz
DIRECTOR OF MIS Bernadette Rhodes

SASSY PUBLISHERS, INC.
Dale Lang, CHAIRMAN
Dick Latora, PRESIDENT
Ron Jensen, EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT
Sandy Sarhatt, EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT

should
SOF
whisper
In yOur
eal.

A girl's
perfume

shouldn
screa

VOU.

i EAU DE PARFUM RAY
VEAU DE PARFUM VAPORISATEUR

TFL.OZ, 30 ML

© 1991 TORAND, A SPELLING ENTERTAINMENT CO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

L-R: Elizabeth: Flannel
nightgown by Charles
Goodnight, $38. Striped hat by
2B!. Naomi: Red flannel
pajamas from L.L. Bean, $28.
Goody foam rollers. Zaryn:
White long underwear shirt
from Department of Peace,
$13. Bovine robe by Charles
Goodnight, $48. Slippers by
A.T. and Minnie. Heidi: White
cotton pajamas by Atlantis
Underground, $52. Sleeping
cap by Mimi a La Mode.

PHOTOGRAPHY: CHARLES
RAMSEY, 17, NEW
ORLEANS, LA AND

CHELSEA SHRENK, 20,
JACKSON HEIGHTS, NY
ILLUSTRATIONS:
AUTUMN BECKETT, 16,
YOUNGSTOWN, OH
HAIR & MAKEUP: SHERI
NORRIS, 16, LOS
ANGELES, CA AND
CHARLES RAMSEY

14 DECEMBER SASSY

NWO NOA ISNVOIG “SHILSOd SSITISNI4I0 uNOA J0ViI0

a slumberly fashion odyssey

STYLING BY SHARON AND ERIN

R
iR
1S

E

r

LEOPARD PRINT CARPET WITH FLORAL BORDER FROM ABC CARPET & HOME

A{nNCtrogycine

7 Even if a face has a lot of shine (and a lot of oil)
it still needs moisture. Just the right kind.

new 100Z oil-free

Beauty Fluid from Oil of Olay.
Instantly greaselessly compatible with young skin.

Dermatologist tested. Doesn't clog pores.

And just like that your skin is

x

softer and smoother. For some faces,

tts Sct richt.

‘JOWS HNOA SI LWHL WIS JHL NO SLYOd JILL dav SITOIN

What better way to unwind than to
adorn your friends’ faces with faux
moles? (Use an eyebrow pencil.)

MODELS: ELIZABETH KIRSCH, 16,
FLUSHING, NY, NAOMI RICHARDSON,
17, AVALON, WI, TARYN BAER; 14,
FLUSHING, NY, HEIDI TORRES, 20,
NEW YORK, NY

me Nas) ey \-) =

if y f Vy ib j J i : fe 3 is f : / i

rs i ; #/ P Pon E: eb if

“SALON STYLING with Oy ifs Livia
Vidal Sassoon” Myf ii

By Mail when you buy one hij Z, oy f Lak! Le Dg | if
any size Vidal Sassoons Hair Care, PEM TIPLE YLE )
Styling or Hold product

(except trial sizes).

Receive “SALON

STYLING With \ f

Vidal Sassoon” \ :

Magazine ree
w t : a ;

includes

How To

e Update
Your Look

e Master
Salon Style

e Discover Your
Best Cut & Care

Plus

e Makeovers/Tips/
Hair Trends

e Vidal — The Man
Who Made a
Difference

See required certificate for complete
details. Limit one request per name or
address. Offer expires February 28, 1993.

FREE VIDAL SASSOON.
STYLING MAGAZINE
By Mail when you buy one any size Vidal Sassoon Hair Care,

Styling or Hold product (except trial sizes). Receive
“SALON STYLING With Vidal Sassoon” Magazine

Includes How To Plus
e Update Your Look e Makeovers/Tips/Hair Trends
e Master Salon Style e Vidal - The Man Who
e Discover Your Best Made a Difference
Cut & Care

Enclosed is the cash register tape with the purchase price of one any size Vidal
Sassoon Hair Care, Styling or Hold product (except trial sizes) circled and the
UPC Number written on the back of the tape.

Please send my Vidal Sassoon Styling Magazine, shipping charges paid, to:

Name:

Address: Apartment #:
(Please print clearly — Proper delivery depends on a complete and correct address.)

City:

State: Zip Code:

Place in a stamped envelope and mail to:
Vidal Sassoon Styling Magazine Offer
P.O. Box 460642, El Paso, TX 88546-0642

Offer good from October 1, 1992 to February 28, 1993.
Limit one request per name or address.

PLEASE NOTE THESE ADDITIONAL TERMS:

1. Offer good in the U.S.A.

2. THIS CERTIFICATE MAY NOT BE MECHANICALLY REPRODUCED AND MUST
ACCOMPANY YOUR REQUEST.

3. Limit one (1) request per name or address.

4. Your offer rights may not be assigned or transferred. Proof-of-purchase must be
obtained by product purchased by you.

5. Offer good from Octoher 1, 1992 to February 28, 1993.

6. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Vidal Sassoon Styling Gift Offer Certificate (cash redemption value 1/100 of 1¢).

Wind fe

by Sharon

TARYN BAER

YES, A
PILLOWCASE

This gorgeous dress can be
whipped up in only 10 minutes,
and you can make a zillion for
next to nothing (we’re talking
cheap gifts here). Simply move to
your linen closet to get started.

CHARLES RAMSEY MODEL

What you’ll need: a pillowcase (king or standard,
depending upon how tall you are and how short you want
your dress), pencil, scissors, needle and thread.

PHOTOGRAPH

What to do: On the closed end of the pillowcase, mark a
half-circle in the middle for the neckline. Then mark a half-
circle in each corner for the arm holes (see diagram below).
Cut out the circles
and hem (optional).
Could this be the
sexy New Year’s
dress you were
wanting?

What else you
can do: Add some
excitement by
sewing on a few
patches. | got my
daisy ones at the
local fabric store for
39 cents.

open end

18 DECEMBER SASSY

C64 | AUOW ©

Of all the tasty little chunks of
meat that hail from Minnesota
(Prince, Walter Mondale, Paul
Westerberg), SPAM is definitely
my favorite. | don’t merely eat
SPAM, I revel in it. It’s not just
canned meat, it’s (as SPAM’s PR
brochure proclaims) “nothing
less than a testimony to
American ingenuity.”

“Innovate—don’t imitate!”
was always the Hormel family
slogan. So it’s no wonder that in
1937, when Geo Hormel found
himself with several thousand
pounds of pork shoulder on his
hands, he took the road less
traveled. That was the year that
our nation’s first canned ham,
the forefather of SPAM, was
developed. Soon after, Geo’s son
Jay developed a “distinctive
chopped pork shoulder and ham
mixture,” which would last
indefinitely and did not require
refrigeration. The rest is pork
by-product history.

For me, SPAM’s fabulousness
goes beyond the security of
that the SPAM

Cabbage-Apple Supper | prepare

knowing

tomorrow may be safely con-
sumed by my grandchildren. It’s

also an outlet for my latent

20 DECEMBER SASSY

this

e by Samantha

domestic side. | do not yet have
a Tupperware license or a Jell-O
mold, so when I feel like the
Beav’s mom, | whip out the
SPAM. It can be used to create
sumptuous meals like the ones in
the recipes here. SPAM’s also
ideal for festooning entrees, as
its salmony-pink color
complements almost any food
(not to mention most living
room decors). Supple yet meaty,
pliant yet solid, a simple serrated
knife can transform that square
of SPAM into a dove, a swan ora
bouquet of flowers. Just let your

mind go; SPAM will follow.

FOIL DINNER ON THE
GRILL (great for patio
cookouts and camping)
“4 cup brown sugar

” cup beer

/ Cup stone-ground mustard

/ tsp. celery seed

8 new potatoes, sliced 4 inch thick

2 cup carrots, sliced “4 inch thick

| large onion, thinly sliced

12 oz. can SPAM, cut into |2 slices

In a small bowl combine brown sugar,
beer, mustard and celery seed. Divide
vegetables and SPAM into |2 equal
portions, arranging each portion ona

18” x 12” piece of foil; drizzle mustard
sauce over each and fold up to form

5” x 4” packets, sealing well. Giggle
fiendishly. Place over medium hot coals,
grilling 45 to 60 minutes or until vegetables

are tender. Maximum yield: 6 servings.

SPAM CABBAGE-APPLE
SUPPER

” cup butter

2 cooking apples, sliced 4 inch thick

3 cups shredded cabbage

[2 oz. can SPAM, cut into 4 inch cubes
/ cup honey

/ tsp. nutmeg

/ tsp. clove

In a skillet, melt butter over medium heat.
Add remaining ingredients; toss to
combine. Cook over medium heat,
stirring occasionally until apples and
cabbage are tender and SPAM is heated
through. Yield: 4 servings.

Assorted SPAM trivia: 1) The coming New
Year should be especially joyous—the five
billionth can of SPAM is expected to hit the
marketplace in 1993. 2) In the African jungles,
anthropologist Jane Goodall and her mother
once made 2,000 SPAM sandwiches for Belgian
troops fleeing from their colony. Certainly you

can make one.

ILLUSTRATION: SARAH THORNTON, 20, NEW YORK, NY

,

perfect. |
The clean of soap.

Without soap dryness.
(Perfect, right?)

The soft you can get
with cleansers.
Without the greasiness.
Perfect again.)

100Z soap-free, oil-free

Foaming Face Wash--
with light Olay fluids
so your skin feels smoother,

4
ie

fresher,and even looks a bit younger.

oe

i

Ec aati

One day while sipping your Hawaiian
Punch you are overcome by the
intensity of its hue. Or perhaps you
are designing a poster for your 4-H
Club meeting and suddenly realize
that Crayola Markers have a use
beyond their intention. There’s a
certain feeling of reckless abandon
that comes from, for instance,
pouring juice on your head instead
of in your mouth. Most of us
suppress the urge to do so. Laura,
Samantha and Amanda did not. For
the sake of comparison, Dan used a
conventional hair color.

Product: Fruit Juice Dressed in
disposable attire, soak your hair in a sink
partially filled with a random brand of °
juice, preferably under the cosmetological
guidance of a willing friend. | chose
Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice and
Amanda. After about 15 minutes, carefully
towel-dry your fruit-flavored tresses,
whereupon you'll discover that the color _
will stain the towel more efficiently than it ,

Product: Meta Henna Creme
(auburn) |’m a rookie at this hair-
coloring thing (excluding the Sun-In | used
in February, which lasts forever, by the
way), So | wasn’t prepared to make too
much of a commitment. | particularly
wanted to use henna because it only coats
the hair, rather than penetrating it.
Basically, if you’re a hair wuss like myself,
this stuff is nice because it’s natural,
temporary and it conditions too. The
result? It worked, but not as well as | had
hoped. All my blondish highlights (the
result of the aforementioned Sun-In)

22 DECEMBER SASSY

We Color It

Product: Crayola Washable
Markers Not surprisingly, this stuff
shows up best on light hair. It also washes
out with soap and water and is as easily
digestible (i.e., non-toxic) as paste. The
process is simple: |) Hold strand of hair.

2) Color it. AMANDA R.

will your hair. For the next 10 minutes,
attempt in vain to detangle. When you
grow impatient with that—and you will—
try drying it mechanically. The result?
Gray fingernails (juices of the non-grape
variety may produce other colors) and a
vaguely tinted, sticky head of sugar-coated
locks nearly as attractive as Madonna's in
her skanky “Dress You Up” stage.
LAURA M.

turned a nice shade of brownish-red, but
the rest of my hair only picked up a
slightly reddish tint. After a few shampoos
(which is how henna fades out), it became
easy to forget that | colored it in the first
place. Nobody seemed to notice. Auburn
henna is definitely not for the punk rock
set. Try Manic Panic (the name
intimidated me) instead. DAN

DISCLAIMER: We're willi he fool around
with our hair, but we can’t be responsible if
you do the same. So, if you really want to
change your color, professional stuff is the
best option.

h
om Said if you woke up one

by Laura M. and Samantha morning asa girl,
what would you do?

XY

You might think that, finding themselves in such a

predicament, the testosterone-filled would take advan- Bob, a student at State University of New York at Stony
tage of our superior intellect and sensitivity to broad- Brook, concentrating in music and women’s studies. Out of
en their minds and souls. However, it class he can be found watching Herman’s Head or interpreting
seems as if they want us mostly the love poetry of Leonard Nimoy, who we recognize as the
for our bodies, or maybe our pointy-eared, studly Mr. Spock. If Bob were beamed into the
clothes. It figures. body of a girl, he would prefer to “raise some eyebrows” by
wearing men’s clothing. In addition, he said, “! would yell at
_), myself for having left the toilet seat up.”

Andrew Shapiro,15,
is a soccer- and moun- ¢
taineering-loving sopho-
more at Hunter College
High School, who says Si
that of all the characters

on The Golden Girls, he

most relates to Dorothy,
“because she’s tall like me.”

If he woke up one morning all
girly, he would have a dilemma. “If
| was good-looking | would walk around
in sexy clothes and see what it feels like
to get picked up. | think | would proba-
bly like it. It would be an ego trip.” We
said, “But Andrew, wouldn’t you feel
objectified?” “What’s objectified mean?”
he asked, quite seriously.

When the lovely Dan Ross-Leutwyler, 16, a junior
at Hunter College High School, is not busy trying to ful-
fill his service requirement, you can usually find him
wherever there’s a good game of volleyball, or at home
watching Green Acres reruns. Dan thinks “one of the
greatest things about being a woman is you can wear both
male and female clothes.” Hence it is not illogi-
cal to speculate that if Dan abruptly became of
the female persuasion, he would spend the day
trying on clothes: “There are so many funky
outfits that | can’t wear as a man. Also, I’d hope
the experience would give me some insight as
to how the female mind works.”

Lemonheads’ singer and guitarist Evan Dando,
25, has already ventured into a woman’s place
(the kitchen, that is) in these very pages
(“Eat This,” July °92), where he dazzled us
with his culinary prowess. Once again, His Blond
Sassiness joins us, this time for a deeper stroll

pes in the female role. Evan
maintains that in the
event of such shape-
_ shifting he’d “walk into
We the ocean in a one-
piece black swimsuit,
dive down, swim, be
filmed, get out, walk

Mike Chow, 23, has grown up sur-
rounded by women, being brother to
three of them (one of whom
is Our own outstanding beau-
ty editor Sharon Chow).
Mike, who likes tennis, cars
and stereos, split Ohio
Northern University this
summer in favor of Houston,
TX, where he now has a real
job working as an engineer .
for a major oil company. . along the beach and
Nevertheless, he’s not too DA : i | ; notice the differences
old to have recently seen his eat. | ex \ a yy / My and similarities.” It’s a
first episode of Beverly Hills, 90210, and enjoyed it. His wy, shame he didn’t mention
favorite character is anyone “without sideburns,” so that | rayon.

pretty much leaves only the girls. If he were to become one, |
he said, “I'd find out what girls talk about when they’re by
themselves. Also, I’d find out why they go to the
restroom in groups. And what ladies’ restrooms look
like—I think I’ve seen sofas in some of them.”

_ At the risk of making
; him seem important, we
suppose we must thank
| San Francisco’s Michael
Lucas for conjuring up this month’s question.
No thanks, however to Hot Toddy or Dave Ryan.
Keep sending in your boys’ pics and phone num-
bers to Andrea T., What He Said, Sassy, 230
Park Ave., New York, NY 10169.

Hypothetical gender change is not a foreign concept
to Bob Fanelli, 19, who once told a woman that
he admired her so much he’d be willing to alter his
DNA to become more like her. But Bob remains

24 DECEMBER SASSY

& Co., ©1992.

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14, Dewitt, NY, and
Diana Ecker, 14,
Syracuse, NY

Self-Discovery

Quizzes. You taily up your
score and youw’re either too
much, too little or somewhere
inconsequentially between.
And you basically know your
score before you’re even fin-
ished anyway. Yet you contin-
ue to take quizzes as if they
will tell you something. Well,
we’ve devised one that will
truly test the limits of your
self-knowledge. These I! ques-
tions are the most accurate
path to enlightment this side of
Zen Buddhism.

Il. If you were to find a tele-
phone book lying in the street,
you would...

a. Rip it in half to demonstrate your
‘strength.
\b,) Attempt to find its rightful owner.

c. Start a telephone-book recycling drive.

2. Do you write on the back of
loose-leaf paper?
a. Yes, and in the margins, and always with
soybean-based ink...you can never save
enough trees!
b. Never, and that environmental stuff is
way overrated.

When, and only when, I’m in the mood.

3. If you saw a crowd of weill-
dressed people who looked like
Pillars of the community
getting on a school bus,
what would be your first
assumption?
a. They are brainwashed zombies.
b. They are trying to recreate their lost
childhood.

(c)They are well-dressed pillars of their
community getting on a bus.

4. If you believe in bumper
stickers, clap your hands!

26 DECEMBER SASSY

a. Clapped.

by Megan Fredericks, \b) Didn't.

c. Threw up in disgust.

4'4. if you selected a, what
would your bumper sticker say?

Now!

a. “Honk if you believe in Santa Claus.”
b. “Honk if you think the government
mishandled the S & L scandal.”
(“Honk repeatedly if you are partial to
loud noises.”

5. Which of these would be
our worst nightmare?
\a) Appearing at school with no clothes on.
b. Wearing white after Labor Day.
c. Being forced to go an entire day with-
out uttering “like” or “y'know.”

6. What is your idea of utter
perfection?
a. Triple chocolate cheesecake.

(b,)An innocent, beautiful flower glistening
in the morning dew. |
c. Garth from Wayne’s World.

7. What is your opinion of that
breakfast giant, Lucky Charms?
a. It’s a culinary masterpiece, yet to be
surpassed. .

b. Each evil little marshmallow is spawn of
the devil.

(¢)Saturday morning food only.

8. If the president of a rep-
utable modeling agency offered
you a contract, how would you
react?

a. Jump up and down in ecstasy.
b. Shout “How dare you insult
me so?!”

(Q Explain that modeling objecti-
fies women and you’d prefer not
to contribute to society’s evils—
but okay, maybe just for a year
to help pay for college.

9. What would get you

up at 5:00 am on a Saturday?

% Going to bed very early Friday night.

My little sister jumping on my bed,
singing Metallica’s “Seek and Destroy.”
c. A nuclear war (but I’d go back to
sleep).

10. Do you dot your “i’’s with
little hearts?
a. Of course. Isn’t it cute?

-\Not in this lifetime (or any other, for
that matter).
c. Why stop with “i? | do it with every
letter.

il. What do you think your
answers to this quiz indicate?

a. That | am superior to the entire human
race and therefore deserve homage.

b. The secret ingredient to Diet Pepsi
really, truly, is “Uh Huh.”

c. Hairspray does hold hair better and
longer than gel.

If x=y to the second power and inter-
sects d when the solution is homoge-
neous and occurred during the Korean
War and is equivalent to 2 (when 2=8)
then, then...| did okay.

SCORING:

If you answered a, c or b on any odd- or
even-numbered questions, give yourself
10 million points for being a good citizen.
If you collect stickers, subtract 43 min-
utes. If you circled b more than three
times, give yourself a pat on the back and
eight kazillion millipoints. If you are an
Aquarius, Virgo or Libra, add an itsy-bitsy,
teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini.
If you believe in blatant and shameless
self-promotion in national magazines, you
get eight bonus nanoseconds and the
inalienable rights of life, liberty and the
pursuit of becoming the Queen of the
World. If you have made it this far,
don’t worry about your score—you won
in overtime.

ILLUSTRATION: AUTUMN BECKETT

Levis’ 560° Loose Fit Jeans. Relaxed waist, relaxed seat, full thigh, straight leg.

Patience is always a virtue when dealing with
facial hair regrowth. How long has it been
since you shaved your brows? The little hairs
can take a few weeks or even a few months

“i shaved my
=\V{=] a) are VV —
and they

=| on =) ole
growing
back”

to grow back. But while you're without hair,
try using your light brown eyeliner pencil as
an eyebrow pencil. (Makeup’s versatility
sometimes boggles the mind, yes?) This can
be fun and you can experiment with different
brow styles. Draw them back arched (the

by Sharon and Amanda R.

glam look), straight (the street-smart
look), curvy (the sex-goddess look), crooked
(the confused look) or straight across for a
Bert-like monobrow. A serendipitous new
you. A few more comments about hair
removal: The good news about shaving your
brows is that you don’t uproot hair follicles
like you do with tweezing, so the hair will
grow back eventually. The bad news is that
you're left with ugly stubble when it does
grow back. So if you really want an attrac-
tive, less hairy brow, tweeze judiciously—
meaning not all your hairs—or you'll risk
being permanently browless.

Your friend’s very lucky to have someone
who cares so much. We're sure this is a
really tough time for her, as it is for lots of
others who have been hit by this seemingly
endless recession. So go ahead and let her
know that you’re clued in to what’s happen-

ing at home. Maybe say, “I heard your dad
has a new job. How's it going?” and see if
she'll offer you any more details. If she won’t
open up, you might want to prompt her by
saying that because of the bad economy
things have tightened up for your family, and
that everyone has been pitching in to help.
She might be embarrassed at first, but will
probably feel relieved to know she has
someone outside her family to share all this
with. Together you can come up with some
ideas for groovy things to do that are dirt
cheap or even free, like going to museums,
getting a free makeover at the mall, hiking or
taking walking tours, playing pool at the local
community center, etc. But don’t make the
mistake of offering to pay for everything or
lending her money. It might make you feel
good, but she’ll only feel unnecessarily
ashamed. Your emotional support will be
appreciated more.

According to our friend Andre at Turning

OP QU2:.wn0's WEARING THE TAMPON?

Heads Salon in New York City, if you’re
African-American, once you get dread-
locks, you generally have to cut them off if
you want your old hairstyle back, no mat-
ter how long you’ve had the dreads. For
everyone else, after three or four months
your only solution is to cut your hair. So
no matter what kind of hair you have, if
you're thinking about getting dreads, make
sure you're open to the idea of having
short hair again in a few months.

Doing anything to your body until you
become ill is self-destructive. Overeating is
just as serious a problem as anorexia ner-

vosa (self-starvation) and bulimia (binging
and purging). The first thing you should do
is examine the reasons that you overeat.
You may be eating as a way of punishing
yourself, or because you’re depressed or
angry. If you’re eating as a way to cope
with any of these emotions, then you’re
really turning those feelings inward, mess-
ing yourself up rather than dealing with the
source. You need to find an outlet other
than eating. If there’s no one you can talk
to, write in a journal, exercise (but not to
excess) or just yell. Recognize the source
of your anger or depression and get help to
deal with it. Also, call this toll-free help
number for advice on eating disorders—
| -800-944-4564.

How about diseases? Deadly ones, like
AIDS. Not a good idea.

Crabs aren’t too hard to detect because
you can see them if you realize you should
be looking for them. Intense itching is the
first sign—usually in your pubic area. But
once you have them, they can travel any-
where your body has hair—which would
explain the critters in your pit hair. Get
yourself to your family doctor or gynecolo-
gist to get it diagnosed, and to be sure this
is the real problem (could be you have
another type of sexually transmitted dis-
ease). She can give you a prescription med-
ication or suggest an over-the-counter
cream or lotion that’ll do the job. You
should also wash your sheets, linens,
clothes and anything else that came in con-
tact with your body in hot water and run
them through the dryer on a hot setting to
kill the creatures, which otherwise will live
on for some time. Your family and your
boyfriend (if you have one) should also get
checked.

Next month Anne B. will be back and
she needs questions. So send them to
Help, Sassy, 230 Park Ave., New York,
NY 10169.

NOBODY. THEY'RE WEARING THE “NO-SHOW” MAXI.

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Nobody knows when you’re wearing a tampon. Same with

Even though Always Ultra is ultra-thin...

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tects like one of those big,
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CLEANER. DRIER. BETTER.
~__”

cing

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© P&G 1992

Junior/Misses
Men's

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7 LTAN

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For the store nearest you, check your White Pages or call 1-800-FB-FITS-U.

Your Illusion |
(Geffen) & 442°087

Guns N’ Roses—Use

Your Illusion II
(Geffen) & 442°038

Too Short—Shorty The
Player (Jive) _ 443*788
Eric B. & Rakim—Don't
Sweat The Technique
(MCA)__ 443770
Cher—Love Hurts
(Geffen) 4430
Deee-Lite—Infinity
Within (Elektra) 442°822
Marty Stuart—This
One’s Gonna Hurt You
(MCA) 442°418
Najee—Just An Illusion
(EMI) 442¢251

36

Arc Angels
(DGC) 442°095

An Evening With The
Allman Brothers Band
(Epic) 441°865

Suicidal Tendencies—
_ The Art Of Rebellion
(Epic) 440529

Mark Chesnutt—
Longnecks And Short
Stories (MCA) 440°487

Lyle Lovett—Joshua
Judges Ruth (MCA)
440°479

Neil Diamond—The
Grt. Hits (Columbia)
439°778/399¢774

Firehouse—Hold Your
Fire (Epic) 439°448
Peter Cetera—World
Falling Down

(Warner Bros.) 439¢273

The Isley Brothers—
Tracks Of Life (Warner
Bros.) 439¢257

Al Jarreau—Heaven
And Earth (Reprise)
439240

Pete Rock & C.L.
Smooth—Mecca And
The Soul Brother
(Elektra) 439042

David Sanborn—Up-
front (Elektra) 438994

Los Lobos-Kiko (Slash/
Warner Bros.) 438978

Megadeth—Countdown
To Extinction (Capitol)
444¢489

Original Soundtrack—

“Mo’ Money”

(Perspective/A&M)
443¢739

“Boomerang”

(LaFace) 442°335

—Some
Gave All (Mercury)
4410451

—Totally
Krossed Out
(Ruffhouse/Columbia)
435°743

Cracker

(Virgin) & 438234
Ottmar Liebert & Luna
Negra—Solo Para Ti
(Epic) 43
Slaughter—The Wild
Life (Chrysalis) 436¢642

Sophie B. Hawkins—
Tongues & Tails
(Columbia) 436°402

Indigo Girls—Rites Of
Passage (Epic) 436¢394
Shabba Ranks—Rough
& Ready (Epic) 436386
Ricky Van Shelton—

Don’t Overlook Salva-
tion (Columbia) 436360

Tori Amos—tittle
Earthquakes (Atlantic)
436¢352

Tears For Fears—

Tears Roll Down (The

Hits 1982-92) (Fontana)
436006

Tom Cochrane—Mad
Mad World (Capitol)
435°685

k.d. lang—Ingenue
(Warner Bros./Sire)
435°404

Grover Washington,
Jr.—Next Exit
(Columbia) 435°396

Tracy Chapman—
Matters Of The Heart
(Elektra) 435214

Melissa Etheridge—
Never Enough (Island)
435°180

“Wayne’s World”
(Sndtrk.) (Reprise)
434°498
Eric Clapton—Rush
(Reprise) 433¢714
Temple Of The Dog—
(A&M) 442¢780

Lionel Richie—Back To

Front (Motown) 4419063

Bing Crosby—Merry
Christmas (MCA)
357°491

Mormon Tabernacle
Choir—Silent Night/The
Grt. Hits Of Christmas
(CBS Mast.)

3569527

Elmo ‘N’ peg a
Grandma Got Run Over

334°599

Vince Guaraldi—

A Charlie Brown

Christmas (Fantasy)
295°824

George Michael—Faith
(Columbia) 362°228

Guns N’ Roses—
Appetite For Destruction
(Geffen) & 359984

The Cover Girls—Here
It Is (Epic) 441840

TKA—Greatest Hits
(Tommy Boy) 441°774

438184

CeCe Peniston—Finally

(A&M) 433¢805

s—Dis-
1) 433¢425

Chic—Dance, Dance,
Dance (Atlantic) 431¢791

“Singles” (Sndtrk.)
(Epic 439°604

The B-52’s—Good Stuff
(Reprise) 439¢281

a

D CASSETTES

OR

See details

Dolly Parton—Home
For Christmas
(Columbia) 4189921

Barry Manilow—
Because It’s Christmas
(Arista) 418897

Amy Grant—
A Christmas Album
(Reunion/Geffen)

Motown Christmas

Album—Christmas

Cheers (Motown)
407*395

Reba McEntire—Merry

Christmas To You
MCA) 368647

U2—The Joshua Tree
(Island) 354°449

Beastie Boys—Licensed
To Ill (Def Jam/
Columbia) GH 3519692

En Vogue—Born To

Sing (Atlantic) 408¢112

Technotronic—Pump
Up The Jam (SBK)
405¢2

Janet Jackson—
Rhythm Nation 1814
(A&M) 388e918

Paula Abdul—Forever

Your Girl (Virgin)
374°637

Bell Biv DeVoe—WBBD-

Bootcity! (MCA) 429°217

The Cure—Wish
(Elektra) 438°655

DAS EFX—Dead
Serious (eastwest)
43

Kenny Rogers—
Christmas In America
(Reprise) 405*639

Christmas With
Johnny Mathis

(Columbia) 422°642

ie Sinatra Christmas

Ibum
(Capitol) 3190491
Christmas With The
Chipmunks
(Liberty) 314¢757
Barbra Streisand—

A Christmas Album
(Columbia) 3090351

Dan Fogelberg—Grt.
Hits (Full Moon/Epic)
317°149

trad Rogers’ Grt.
Hits (Liberty) 313¢700

The KLF—White Room
(Arista) 426¢304

C & C Music Factory—

Gonna Make You Sweat
(Columbia) 416¢933

Rythm Syndicate
(Impact Records)
425*892

Donna Summer—On
The Radio
(Casablanca) 423830

Madonna—The

Immaculate Collection

(Warner Bros./Sire)
414¢557

Beastie Boys—Check
Your Head

(Capitol) & 438°499

ZZ Top—Grt. Hits
(Warner Bros.) 438°010

—MTV

Unplugged (Columbia)
ve 441°790

—Blood Sugar
Sex on (Warner
Bros.) a

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Records) 432°690

New Edition—Grt. Hits,
Vol. 1 (MCA) 430°066

REO Speedwagon—
The Second Decade Of
Rock & Roll ’81-’91
(Epic) 430°025

Brooks & Dunn—
Brand New Man (Arista)
429969

“The Commitments”
(Sndtrk.) (MCA) 429¢753

Motley Crue—Decade
Of Decadence ’81-’91
(Elektra) 429¢316

Stevie Ray Vaughan &
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Is Crying (Epic) 429¢258

James Taylor—New
Moon Shine (Columbia)
429°209

Harry Connick, Jr.—
Blue Light, Red Light
(Columbia) 429°191

Cheap Trick—Greatest
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Barry Manilow—
Showstoppers (Arista)

428°565
Toad The Wet

Sprocket—Fear
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Soundgarden—Badmo-
torfinger (A&M) 428250

Mariah Carey—Emo-

tions (Columbia)428e¢029

Prince And The New
Power Generation—
Diamonds And Pearls

(Paisley Park) 427°419

Trisha Yearwood
MCA) 426°148

Arrested Development

—3 Years, 5 Months & 2
Days (Chrysalis)
436204

Wynonna Judd—
Wynonna (MCA/Curb)
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28°367

Lucky Town
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Human Touch
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435°750

(Columbia) 440¢289

Social Distortion—

Somewhere Between

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433°631

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433°342

R. Kelly & Public

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433¢250

Live—Mental Jewelry
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A Tribe Called Quest—
Low End Theory (Jive)
4320195

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In Sheep’s Clothing

(Mercury) G4 431700

Tevin Campbell—
T.E.V.I.N. (Qwest/
Warner Bros.) 431°585

Enya—Watermark
(Reprise) 431°403

Paul Young—From
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Keith Sweat—Keep It
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Gerald Levert—Private
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Erasure—Chorus
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Frank Sinatra—Sinatra
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John Mellencamp—

Whenever We Wanted
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PM Dawn—The Utopian
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Street (Capitol) 433¢110

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Seal (Sire/Warner Bros.)
425°827

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Nicks (Modern) 425°694

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~wgnharmony (Motown)
424754

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~ondon Cast) (Polydor)
424333

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Potydor)
423°665/393°660

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Word (Mercury) 423¢608
Bebe & Cece Winans
—DiFerent Lifestyles
Capitol) 423¢137
Travis Tritt—lIt’s All
AQout To Change
“armer Bros.) 422¢113
=WiF—Schubert Dip
=| 421°487
Spyro Gyra—Collection
2SF 420¢950
Avan Jackson—Don't
Same The Jukebox
A. "Sta 420¢935

am Halen—For Unlaw-
‘wv Dama! Knowledge
"amer Bros.) 420273
worm Witchell—Court &
Sar Asylum) 367¢102
E-we—Srepherd Moons
= 431°718

ee
“aor se

TO GET YOUR 8 CDs FOR Ie...

* ost mail the coupon together with check or
money order for $1.86 (that's 1¢ for your 8 CDs,
$1.85 to cover shipping and handling).

* 24 agree to buy just six more selections in the
years, at regular Club prices (currently
* to $15.98, plus shipping and handling)—
»i may cancel membership at any time after

. ~~ 1
SF P sath.

~2—Achtung Baby. Mysterious Ways; Even
Setter...; One; others. (Island) 431213

Mary Chapin Carpenter—Come On, Come
On. | Feel Lucky, etc. (Columbia) 440¢560

Jodeci—Forever My
Lady (MCA) 430959
Grateful Dead—
Workingman’s Dead
(Warner Bros.) 358¢887
Paula Abdul—Spell-
bound (Virgin) 420¢257
Another Bad Creation
—Coolin’ At The
Playground Ya’ Know!
(Motown) 419903
Luther Vandross—
Power Of Love
(Epic) 418°848
Mr. Big—Lean Into It
(Atlantic) 418°798
yson—Can
You Stop The Rain
(Columbia) 418°723
R.E.M.—Out Of Time
(Warner Bros.) 417923
The O’Jays—
Emotionally Yours (EMI)
417°709

,

Jesus Jones—Doubt
(SBK) 417¢691

Gloria Estefan—into
The Light (Epic) 415¢943

Celine Dion—Unison
(Epic) 415¢430
Dwight Yoakam—

If There Was A Way
(Reprise) 414243

Paul Simon—The
Rhythm Of The Saints
(Warner Bros.) 4129809

The Jackson 5—Grt.
Hits (Motown) 327¢148

Reba McEntire—For
My Broken Heart (MCA)
430°090

se Music Magazine sent every four weeks (up
* mes a year), describing the Regular Selection
ur istening interest, plus hundreds of alter-
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~pecial Selection, do nothing—it will be sent
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2 by the date specified.

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ar Club price.

— c Jw dat

~~ mce Bonus Plan. If you continue your mem-
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ne CD at half-price for each CD you buy at

vey susk-Free Trial. We'll send details of the
per2tion with your introductory package. If
sed return everything within 10 days for a
3 turther obligation.

* <sora Somus Offer: you may take one additional
the super-low price of only

bowie (Rykodisc)
41

Garth Brooks—Ropin’ The Wind. Papa
Loved Mama; The River. (Liberty) 428¢862

TLC—Ooooooohhh...On The TLC Tip.
Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg; etc. (LaFace) 434°621

Bryan Adams—Waking
Up The Neighbours
(A&M) 429°779

Best Of Carly Simon
(Elektra) 291°856

Band—A Decade Of
Hits 1969-79 (Polydor)
430¢439

Rod Stewart—Down-

town Train/ Selections

From The Storyteller

Anthology (Warner
Bros.)

425322
Eric Clapton—Time

Pieces (Polydor)
423

David Bowie—Changes-
2°247

The Beach Boys—Made

In The U.S.A. (Capitol)
3460445

Yes—Classic Yes

(Atlantic) 3139031

The Very Best Of The
Righteous Brothers—
Unchained Melody

(Verve) 423°772

The sel Best Of The
Everly Brothers

(Warner Bros.) 372¢912

Marvin Gaye’s Grt.

Hits (Motown) 367565

Pearl Jam—Ten (Epic/
Associated) 428¢433

Ozzy Osbourne—No
More Tears (Epic/
Associated) 428128

Linda Ronstadt’s Grt.
Hits (Asylum) 286°740

CLASSIC ROCK'S GREATEST HITS

The Allman Brothers

Creedence Clearwater
Revival—Chronicle—
The 20 Grt. Hits
(Fantasy) 308°049

James Taylor’s Grt.
Hits (Wamer Bros.)

291°302
Best Of The Doobies
(Warner Bros.) 2919278
The Steve Miller Band
—Grt. Hits 1974-78
(Capitol) 2900171
Eagles—Gr. Hits, 1971-
75 (Asylum)

2879003

Santana’s Grt. Hits
(Columbia) 2440459

_ The Best Of Blondie

(Chrysalis) 3119811

Aretha Franklin—30
Greatest Hits (Atlantic)
350°793/390¢799

Van Morrison—
Moondance (Warner
Bros.) 349803

Buddy Holly—From The
Original Master Tapes
(MCA) 348*110/398e115

Color Me Badd-C.M.B.
(Giant/Reprise) 426¢916

$6.95—and you are then entitled to take an extr
CD as a bonus FREE! And you'll receive
counted CD and your bonus CD with your 8 intro-

> (pe, Le

; 7 hd Bat fs =< =

Nirvana—Nevermind. Come As You Are:
Smells Like Teen Spirit, etc. (DGC) 442°046

Celine Dion. /f You Asked Me To; Nothing
But My Broken Heart, etc. (Epic) 436¢782

Vanessa Williams—
The Comfort Zone

(Wing) 426*510

Meat Loaf—Bat Out Of

Hell (Epic) 2799133

Simon & Garfunkel’s
Greatest Hits
(Columbia)

Rush—Chronicles (Mer-
Cury) 423¢780/393°785

Roy Orbison—The All-
Time Hits, Vols. 1 & 2
(CSP) 3779945

Fleetwood Mac—Grt.
Hits (Wamer Bros.)
375°782

Journey’s Greatest

Hits (Columbia) 375279

Best Of The Doors (E!-
ektra) 357°616/397¢612

Lynyrd Skynyrd Band
—Skynyrd’s Innyrds/
Their Grt. Hits (MCA)

3819129

Motown’s 25 #1 Hits
From 25 Years (Mo-
town) 319996/399¢998
Stevie Wonder’s Orig.
Musiquarium | (Tamia)

Jackson Browne—The
Pretender (Asylum)
292243

Boston (Epic) 269209

Amy Grant—Hear In
Motion (A&M) 4240457

iY)

your dis-

ductory selections—that's 10 CDs in all!

OR 12 CASSETTES FOR ite...

* Just write in the numbers of the 12 cassettes you
want and mail the coupon, together with a check
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¢ You agree to buy just eight more selections in the
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may cancel membership at any time after'doing so.

* Buy one—get one free Bonus Plan. If you con-
tinue your membership after fulfilling your obliga-
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It lets you get one cassette free for every one you
buy at regular Club price (shipping and handling

will be added). Otherwise, the Club operates in the

same manner as described above.

* 2 More Cassettes FREE. Choose your first selec-

tion now for only $3.98 (that's up to 60% off regu-
lar Club prices)—and your membership obligation is
immediately reduced: you then need buy only 7
more (instead of 8) in three years! AND this dis-

count purchase also entitles you to 2 extra cassettes

FREE. So you can get 15 cassettes for less than the
price of one!
¢ If the application is missing, write to: Columbia
House, 1400 North Fruitridge Avenue, Terre Haute,
Indiana 47811-1130.

i Contains explicit lyrics which may be objectionable to some members.

219477

<a ome
Nl

Bonnie Raitt—Luck Of
The Draw (Capitol)
423186

Peter Frampton—
Frampton Comes Alive!
(A&M) 262°311/3929316

Bruce Springsteen—
Born To Run
(Columbia) 257¢279

Whitney Houston—
!’m Your Baby Tonight
(Arista) 411°710

Toto—Past To Present
1977-1990 (Columbia)
411°371

George Michael-Listen
Without Prejudice, Vol.1
(Columbia) 411°181

L.L. Cool J—Mama

Said Knock You Out
(Def Jam/Columbia)

411°165
AC/DC—The Razors’
Edge (ATCO) 410¢662

Anita Baker—-Compo-
sitions (Elektra) 408989
Mariah Ca

Columbia) 4079510
Jane’s Addiction—
Ritual De Lo Habitual

—

Depeche Mode—
Violator (Sire/Reprise)
405+423

Pat Benatar—Sest
Shots (Chrysalis)
401
Kenny G Live (Arista)
401°505/391°508

$

Aerosmith—Pump
(Geffen) 38890

F)

Real Thing (Reprise/
Slash) 387399

The B-52’s—Cosmic
Thing (Reprise) 383¢877

Don Henley—The End
Of The Innocence
(Geffen) 383°802

Michael Bolton—Soul
Provider (Columbia)
383°083

Tom Petty—Full Moon
Fever (MCA) 3829184
Bonnie Raitt—Nick Of
Time (Capitol) 381°087
ines | Cline—Grt. Hits
(MCA) 365°924
The Pretenders—The
Singles (Sire) 362¢541

Garth Brooks—No
Fences (Liberty) 411587

Elton John—The One.
Life; Runaway Train, etc. (MCA) 442°772

Michael Jackson—Dangerous. Jam; In The
Closet, Black Or White; etc. (Epic) 433¢920

Mee gst

Title cut; Simple

Michael Bolton—Time,
Love & Tenderness
(Columbia) 415°711

The Police—Eve
Breath You Take—The
Singles (A&M) 348318

The Cars Greatest Hits

(Elektra) 3399903
Bob Marley & The
Wailers—Legend

(Island) 3379857

Billy Joel®—Grt. Hits,
Vols.1 & 2 (Columbia)
336°396/396390

Dire Straits—Brothers
In Arms (Warner Bros.)
336°222

Prince—Purple Rain
(Warner Bros.)
+e ~~ 328043
ingsteen—
eU.S.A.
326°629

an

Bruce S
Born In
(Columbia)

Michael Jackson—
Thriller (Epic) 318089

441°436

Ringo Starr—Time
Takes Time (Private
Music) 4410154

Spice 1 (Jive)
440¢339

Bonham—Mad Hatter
(Epic) 4390455

Joe Cocker—Night
Calls (Capitol) 8713

Skid Row-Slave To
The Grind (Atlantic)
422¢220

Marc Cohn (Atlantic)
421°552

Chicago®—Grt. Hits
1982-89 (Reprise)
401°166
Metallica—And Justice
For All (Elektra) &
372°805

Tony Bennett—
Bennett/Berlin
(Columbia) 362¢236
Natalie Cole—
Unforgettable (Elektra)
422¢279

Selections with two numbers count as two selections
—write each number in a separate box.

Entertaining
America...
One Person
at a Time.™

Get a Handle
on that Headache!

In today’s fast-paced world, you have no time
for headaches. Your busy schedule means
balancing a career, a family, and a social life.
Making time for the people who rely on
you—not to mention yourself!—is important.
You just can’t be slowed down by a
headache.

Yet, when they can least afford it, millions of
Americans suffer from recurrent headaches
including migraine, cluster headache, and
tension headache each year. Of these, ten-
sion headache is one of the most common.

According to many experts, the cause of
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cles in your head, neck or face. The muscles
there become tense, but don't relax. Blood
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blood flow is reduced, and BANG! It hits
you—a tension headache that could last just
a few hours or stay with you for several days.

But don't despair: relief is in sight. The key to
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should be explored.

Poor posture and lack of sleep can contribute
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of several pounds of water before each men-
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Anger...conflict...anxiety—these emotional
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ing factor.

Once the cause of your headaches is identi-
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If your headaches are caused by factors
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«Physical Don't slouch! Poor posture
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In addition to following these strategies, tak-
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To receive additional free information on con-
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When asked to put together a list of cool
flicks, | resisted the obvious temptation to
proclaim the greatest movies of all time.
Greatness is such a personal concept,
after all. There are, however, two generally
reliable signs of a really good movie: |) If
it remains rooted in your skull long after
you leave the mondo-plex or rewind the
tape. 2) If it drops a little insight on you.
True, artistic merit does count for some-
thing, but great acting or cinematography
or whatever means little if the gay
message leaves you cold. With
that in mind, | offer you, if not
the greatest films of all time, at
least four that remain fresh to
me after numerous viewings.
Rent ’em up and see if you agree.

Mr. Smith Goes to
Washington (1939) transcends
the hokeyness of old movies to
deliver a depressingly still-rele-
vant message: Politics are hell.
Ignore the shallow “gee whiz”
goofiness and over-the-top flag-
waving; this film has realistic char-
acters and a truly astute, if
unsettling, message.

Jimmy Stewart (with a very
trendy ‘do for the era) plays
Jefferson Smith, a gawky idealist elected to
the US Senate by a fluke. Once immersed
in that sleazy environment, Smith discov-
ers that there are radicals who fight for
democracy as well as against it. Jean
Arthur shines as Saunders, Smith’s “secre-
tary’ who totally knows what time it is

| (and these were the dark ages for women,

hardened readers). Saunders is the savvy,
independent anchor of Smith’s dreamy
ambitions. Amazingly for the time, she
refuses to play into the typical role of sub-
missive female. Okay, so she swoons a
couple of times, but everyone in this film
does. (Must have been the thing to do
then.)

But the real story here is the political
dirt. This flick provides a frank view of
corrupt politicians and bureaucratic insan-
ity that even today’s Capitol Hill skank
can’t match. It illustrates the gap between
what America could be and what it really
is, and celebrates the human spirit while

xage
‘Oy Wate

by Mark Butler, 23, Manhattan, KS

OD

©

bugging you to reconsider what this coun-
try is all about.

Some movies get you into a period of
time, others get you into someone’s head.
The Manchurian Candidate (| 962)
accomplishes both. Set deep in the midst
of Cold War hysteria, the film wisely
assumes a personal focus while history
plays out as a backdrop. Because the
movie does not hit you over the head
with the “red scare” mentality of the time,

the viewer gets caught up in the mayhem
subtly, yet more persuasively.

Before we go any further, | must warn
the squeamish that this film features Frank
Sinatra and Angela Lansbury. Fear not, for
both are radiantly weird, as compared to
their modern, mainstream personae. Add
Laurence Harvey as the total creep of a
protagonist and you’ve got yourself some
quality acting.

The scene that always gets me is when
brainwashed American prisoners of war
are presented to a Chinese Communist
Party meeting. The Chinese are treated to
a mind control exhibition: The POWs,
including Sinatra, are made to think they
are back home as guests of honor at a gar-
den club tea. See Frankie Sin shoot a man
in cold blood while society matrons egg
him on, and you will never listen to
“Strangers in the Night” the same way
again.

Despite its preoccupation ® PAGE 85

Reis

Rr RaAFe AO ES

Co '

fPADPALSL ThAMMPAE ERE

ae ps 8a Orrms Aree

|
19a) VY

pecatearie IN

ili
mt

hicall |

hiite

sien BR ee

Se EF

-or menstrual &
pain,

Use only as directed.

one Advil®’is as effective as two regular aspirin. Yet Advil
is gentler to your stomach. And doctors recommend
Advil for menstrual cramps more aL ey other non-
prescription pain reliever. ®

ADVANCED MEDICINE FOR PAIN:

ge “0
& f We wio™ ..

© “Dig yourself.

—Bob

“An odor like an acid sword made

of plum branches along the road,

the kisses like sugar in the teeth,

the drops of life slipping on the fingertips,
the sweet sexual fruit,

the yards, the haystacks, the inviting
rooms hidden in the deep houses,

the mattresses sleeping in the past, the savage green
valley

seen from above, from the hidden window:
adolescence all sputtering and burning

like a lamp turned over in the rain”’
—Pablo Neruda

Little girls shouldn’t treat
Little boys they happen to meet

Like little Gods
—Voice of the Beehive “The proper
“Shyness Is nice, function of
man is to liv

but shyness can spot to eyist.
stop you, from __ shall not

saying all the favson Y
things in life that —_ trying to
prolong

ou’d like to.”’
y -worissey them. | shal

use my time

—Jack London

fee)

‘you do notlearntohate .
you will never be lonely
enough

to love easily

sor will you always be brave
although it does not grow any easier

De not pretend to convenient beliefs
even when they are righteous

you will never be able to defend your city
while shouting.

Remember our sun
s not the most noteworthy star
only the nearest.

Respect whatever pain you bring back
from your dreaming

out do not look for new gods
ns the sea

or in any part of a rainbow
tach time you love

ove as deeply

as if it were

‘orever

only nothing is

eternal.

Speak proudly to your children
wherever you may find them
tell them

you are the offspring of slaves
and your mother was

2 princess

» darkness.

—Audre Lorde

YOU
ALWAYS
HAVE A
FRIEND
WEARIN
BIG RED
SHOES.

—Ronald McDonald

©1992 Russ Berrie and Co., Ine:

You’ll find Russ Trolls at your neighborhood store where there are
e to help you find that special gift. Or call 1-800-343-RUSS.

‘Marky
Vie
“The book
‘[sferel

CTame)p mies

hype tip—
Senne tian

Marky Mark
andthe

AS
“

ie HarperPerennial More than 300 color photos

Wision ©; insPubkshers
ope saath fot srgecCoEinaConadal ed $15.00 paperback

OUR SHOE
DESIGN
CONTEST.

And Help

John Fluevog
| Drake eave) ate on Git
waateVAgareaeb ren
. ) : ) iz. All Natural
ee ibare ee eS aN arexe) [remife) Cea
|_|

IMAGINE BEING THE
DJ un} [©] Not eroy mol e(- Mo) miat-w aloyi
new shoes on the planet. Ya
ool a} mi baw Ko) alalm ml [Ul-\oYe mel atom ay
celebrity judges (Sonic Youtt
Kim Gordon, designer Betse
Johnson & Sassy editor Mar
Clarke) pick your entry, it'll k
navel alelxeleii0lacto Mel efela mola ial
premiere lineup of our new
Angelic Sole footwear—wit!
your name on it! Plus, all
finalists will receive a pair c
their favourite Fluevogs. Ju:
iixelas Meola el(oy ane] oiatem elle Bjater-
this ad and use the sole as «
base to draw your design. M
your entry, “John Fluevog Is |
mE-lxoMmmel ate Mintel] MIM ComNYor<\7
Magazine. Deadline for entr
is Valentine’s Day, February
14th, 1993 and the winning
design will be unveiled in th
August issue of the very mag:
zine you are now reading.
(CToYoxo [Ole om sin-to] arom K-Yo pam \VACop
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All entries become property of John Fluevog Shoes Ltd.

IN THE USA

104 PRINCE STREET NEW YORK NY 10012
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IN CANADA

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AD BY DAVE WEBBER THE ARTIST

Caboodles. It just handles everything. ta iu &.

CABOODLES COME IN 23 FANTASTIC STYLES AND 52 HOT FASHION COLORS TO CHOOSE FROM.

© 1992 MCA Records, Inc.

The
Ground

BOBBY

Again
The

New qi qui
From

Featuring The Hits

And

On MCA
Compact
Discs, HiQ
Cassettes
And Records

y MCA

Also Available: What You Didn't See On TV...

BOBBY BROWN
“Humpin’ Around”

The Video Single
Featuring Choreography Not Seen On TV And Exclusive Behind-The-Scenes Footage

ADVERTIS

MUSIC HOTLIN

1-900-737-2779 ($.95/mir

just call 1-900-73-SASSY ($.95/min.) and choose the four-digit code fc
track you want to hear. You can hear three tracks from each album. Eac
will be 1!5 minutes in length. You can listen to as little of the track a
want, move quickly from cut to cut, and end the call at any time. Fi
these directions using your phone keypad.

Press: 3 Fast forward (press successively); [4] Get louder; Gi
softer; |7 | Repeat from the beginning; [9] Pause; [+ | Exit music/B
most prompts.

Press the code on the left to hear the music you w:

1652 Dial 1652 to geta FREE POORBOYS CASSETTE
from Hollywood Records. Free. Really — but sup

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1653 Welcome to Wherever You Are Atlantic
Worldwide superstars INXS bring you their latest hit, ‘"
it,’ hot on the heels of “Not Enough Time’ and “He
Sent,’ all from this new album.

1654 Bricks Are Heavy Slash
Jennifer Finch, L7’s bassist/vocalist is a walking testamen
seasoned angst.

1655 ‘I’m Waiting for the M
Polydor
She's a singer, a model, an actress and she's incredibly pre
Her music is way cool — '60s and '70s reminiscent. Anc
produced by Lenny Kravitz.

1656 HomeBrew Virgin Records
Score one for street style. The new album is HomeBrew.

1657 Stull Touch and Go
Stylee Chicago rockers who mix power pop with a “h
dose of white chocolate.’

1658 “Please Don’t Go" London Records
KWS's first single, “Please Don’t Go’’ and album feat
updated disco classics with '90s pop and dance tracks.

1659 Standing Here Silvertone Records
Fresh squeeze of Hendrixian psych-pop from Manches
notorious Bell Bottom Advocates.

1660 The Untidy Suicides of Your Dege
ate Children Alternative Tentacles
Responsible for giving us the stunning Revenge Fantasies o
impotent.

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Jello, a former Dead Kennedys singer, owns the label w
puts out this impassioned, spoken-word stuff.

1662 Ooooh on the TLC Tip LaFace Records
Funkiness, rap and straight R & B.

1663 Novelty Dischord
DC’s in-demand co-ed rock band.

You can still check out the Hotline’s previous listings from the November issue of SASSY
(codes 1646-1651).

You will be charged $.95/minute on your monthly telephone bill. Average call lasts 2.5. minutes
an average charge of $2.75. Get your parents’ permission before you call.

A service of Music Access," Inc, (718) 398-2146

MEN

a s

>

Create the next Caboodles ad!

Are you creative? Stylish? Hip?

Got something to say?

if so, get started on creating a

Caboodles ad.
Rules: The contest is subject to all federal,
state and local laws ond regulations. Liabili-
ty for federal, state and other taxes im- . : : :
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of the winners. Offer void where prohibited
by low. Entry constitutes permission to use
entrant’s name, voice, likeness, photograph
and entry for editorial, public relations, pro-

will appear in Sassy Magazine and

motional and advertising purposes in all Caboodles will fly you to New York for

media on behalf of Sassy Publishers, Inc.
without further compensation. Enter as

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a separate envelope. Winners will be chosen
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entront. Winners will be chosen by

CABOODLES on or about January 15, | Caboodles’ guest for dinner at one of

1993. The decision of judges is final. Win-
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required to sign an Affidavit of Eligibility the hottest restaurants. Follow these

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take over Madison Avenue.

or
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STEVE Isaacs, VipEo Gop?
Think again. MTV has molded him into
your alternative dream boy through the
clever utilization of black hair dye and
a mall-bought Soundgarden tee. In

reality, he is just another refur-
bished Poison clone from the ’80s.

. He’s short, red and so dag-esque
that spandex cheesettes cling
» to him as if he were a five-

dollar leather mini. Oh, and
lest I forget, he wears a
trench coat with cowboy
boots. Excuse me while
I dry heave.

MADONNA PART Tl
CBGB PART IV

UNSUBSTANTIATED
DISEASE OF THE MONTH!

Ernie, of Bert and Ernie fame, was once rumored to be
d vehicle for the acceptance of homosexuality in
America because he shared a bed with his
buddy Bert. Now it seems that Ernie has
allegedly contracted leukemia. [The story
suggests that Ernie needed to be bumped
Off because Jim Henson had the gall fo die

knowing that no one else could provide
Ernie’s vocals.) But according fo 3
benign Children's Television Work-
Shop spokeswoman, ernie has @
perfect bill of health and has no

plans fo be plagued by the disease eS by Sharon
in the future. she stated, “I've Met tvayry bs} lex} id 7
heard this rumor from across the country, and if you Know who started it, Id certainly ca ch,» meses hathone ae

like fo Know.” In unrelated Sesame Street news, unconfirmed reports tell us that the

Snufalufagi are having marital difficulties
alufag me “ tnem both at the same place, at the same

ot Pe ~ p ba oa ” G\ 0 SS a f SD Fie’ Vin Sex God was wonderful and extreme
models never end? polite when asked for an autograph. Miss Sex

Zoadess, howeven was neither And when I
got my big chance to pop the question of

, uy going an interview with Sassy, she turnec
Know us flatly down! The outrage of it alll
Feeling cheated and hurt I mace it a po
that 1 to tell Anthony what a megabeast she
out Of was as he was leaving, I said, “You wer
every 20 a lot nicer than Madonna. She was ci re
people get pitch.” To this, Mn Sex God dropped his
a peptic Ls jaw in astonishment:
ulcer
in their
lifetime?
Awareness,

baby, that’s
what it’s all about.
HELLO! 17'S THE SECOND ANNUAL JOHN FLUEVOG SHOE DESIGN CONTEST by Dan

_ Once again, shoe god John Fluevog is calling all you hyper-creative sassy minds. This year, he
wants you to design the coolest top to his newest sole. His molded strip of 100 percent natural
rubber (from the Hevea tree) is not your average street-pounder, no. For one thing, it doesn’t
emit nasty polyvinyl chloride gas when destroyed (unlike other, more ubiquitous rubber soles).
Furthermore, the Hevea tree isn’t damaged to produce this special rubber latex; it is tapped like
maple from a maple tree. And on top of being environmentally friendly, they are also Satan-
resistant, what with slylishly flighty Fluevog angels depicted on the bottom. The entries will be
judged by fashion diva Betsey Johnson, Sonic Youth-ite Kim Gordon, Sassy’s Mary Clarke and
John himself. Oh yeah: The winner will live her wildest shoe fantasy (I can only imagine!) by
having her shoes actually made into three masterful dimensions. (The four runners-up will
have to settle for a two-dimensional $100 gift certificate for a pair of Fluevog shoes.) Send
your sketches to John Fluevog Is My Hero, ‘/o Sassy, 230 Park Ave., New York, NY 10169, post-
marked no later than February 14th.

w

'S LIKE TOTALLY FREE!

ign up now to
rent ‘Buffy...”
and get this free
poster. Look for this
poster display and |
rental reservation
form at participating
video stores
November 25.

TER TRY FX ges ARANDA QL TRPRSS ern THE VAMP SAYER SWANN NALD STNG PAUL AELENS wa TER HER wa KE PER
sit le wera LPH SALL ss CAMILLA TONIOLO JUL SAVITT "sss LAWRENCE MILLER car JAMES HAYMAN acs DENAIS STUART MURPHY cs SANDY GALLI, CAROL OAUM AND FRAN RUBEL KUZU
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SOUNDTRACK AVAILABLE ON COLUMBIA CASSETTES AND COMPACT figes _ AND THER LOGOS ARE TRADEMAPKS OF TWENTETH CENTURY FOX FILM CORPORATION he

What nM

EDGE FASHIONS FOR NEOPHYTES:

It's really quite simple nowadays to be PC and still maintain your
hardcore, punk rock integrity. By becoming a straight edge, you ‘
can both connect instantly with 500 of your soon-to-be closest 2
friends who subscribe to the same political pretensions as your- .*
self, and cop an ever-so-attractive, holier-than-thou attitude which
will stun members of the opposite sex. The requirements are min-
imal: Black Converse high-tops are good, but never in new condi-
tion; an appropriate anti-conservative tee; cavernous $80 Stlssy
pants (with matching $28 cap). And the essential finishing touch:
On both hands, you must mark a large, black ‘X’ to make cue
the point of showing both your solidarity with the move-
ment, and your reluctance to consume alcoholic beverages in ann” =" |
public. Clench your fists and yell your mantra ("straight edge’), < Cruse Feast your eyes upon the classic features of a lusty Virgo, %

so that no one will accuse you of being just a follower. Nicaraguan chiropractor and a speed-cycling superhero (guitaris
BahB Finetime, bassist Mann Well and drummer Chris Pee, respectively) whe

together make up Heyday (formerly Hollow Heyday, Hectic Heyday, Headles:
Heyday, etc.). Here’s another Boston trio chock full of goodness, just like the most special candy bar with a moderate amount of tasty dart
chocolate coating and the most delicious and wholesome dancing creamy nougat you could dream of inside. For underneath their fair exterio'
dwells an inner beauty, rarely apparent in the modern rocker, which manifests itself on their upcoming second LP entitled Grate (“pun intended
actually” affirms Mann Well). In addition to serving very passionate ditties on vinyl, these Tantrum recording artists are famous for feeding thei
live audiences with real food. Bon appetit!

A

DOC MARTENS: SCOURGE
OF OUR YOUNG LIVES?
(1 guess it really is impossible to get
through another Reader-Produced Issue
without the obligatory Docs reference).
Doc Martens obsession must face its day of
reckoning. The very idea that one brand of
footwear could have the power to shape entire
identities is such a load. Docs have become the
te indicators of indie-rock credibility, but
at the same time have reached their height in
mass popularity. At about 80 bucks a pop,
they're just not alternative anymore, even
though they’re looked upon as such. It’s almost
as if without a pair you can’t possibly be truly
lternative.” But the opposite of conformity
isn’t non-conformity, it’s indifference to
the subject. So boycott Doc Martens and buy
a pair of sneakers instead. Then you'll
really be “different.”

MAKE HIM LOVE YOU
WITH SOCKS by Samantha
Let's say that, ohhhbh, Peter
Jennings really makes your
toes curl. Of course, he's too
busy being all anchory to return
your phone calls or send thank-
you notes for your chocolates and
flowers. So you try another means of
wooing him. According to The Magic
of Spells and Curses by Donna Rose,
this is how to bring your true love to you.
First, soak a sock in rosewater, allow it to
dry and place it under your bed. Each night
send out the thought that you want your true
love to come and see you. After a month has gone
by, burn a red candle at sunset and think of the love
that you have to offer. Repeat this procedure for seven
44 DECEMBER SASSY nights in a row and soon your love will come to you.

ee

Smurf An End to Censorship

by Samantha
Much in the same way that Gargamel feels a constant,
inexplicable need to hinder the Smurfs’ righteous endeavors,
high school principals seem to feel a constant inexplicable need
to hinder student journalists’ equally righteous endeavors. And
much like Azrael blindly supports Gargamel’s evil ways, the
most recent Supreme Court decision (in Hazelwood, Missouri)
basically says your principal can censor away. But wait
(Pee-wee, Johan, HELP!), some rockin’ states such as
California, Massachusetts, Iowa, Colorado and Kansas have
state laws to protect free expression by students.

You can make one too. First call the Student

Press Law Center in Washington, DC
1-202-466-5242. They’|| be nice and
give you all the info you’!! need.

Then call up your assembly

person or state senator and see if
they’re interested in working with
you on this. If they’re not
interested, keep calling.
Assembly people come
in many different
flavors and one of
them is bound to like
this idea. Or call your
school boara, because
sometimes school
board regulations can
prevent school
officials from censoring.

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Skater boys. Yummmm. What could
better describe so many girls’ reactions
to a hoard of them whizzing by on their
boards, without a glance at the salivating
females on the sidewalk? Practically
every girl knows why all skater boys are
babes: They are the perfect combination
of attitude and excess fabric. Few of us,
on the other hand, understand why it is
that male skaters are so disinterested in
girls, or why they are so hesitant to
commit to any kind of relationship with
the opposite sex. Ironically, that’s
probably the very reason we're so
attracted to them.

Only days ago my friend Alice had
complained in a disgusted tone, “I hate
hard-core skaters ...especially ones with
long black hair.” Alice was referring to
an all-too common negative experience
she had with a frustrating yet gorgeous
skater (as pictured). She was having a
good time with the beautifully coiffed
culprit at a gig, so when he called the
next day and asked her out she said yes.
But before they could make plans he was
forced to hang up and rush off for some
skating with his fellow rats. Of course he
didn’t call her back. When later
confronted, he merely shrugged and
skated off down the street to meet his
friends, who were probably disappointed
with him for not attempting to scrounge

46 DECEMBER SASSY

a meal off her. Typical.

So for Alice, and any of us who have
been confused or hurt by skater babes, |
decided to investigate the whys of their
apparent indifference to girls. Maybe
skaters are just unusually hesitant or
collectively nervous about their nappy
image. Whatever the reason, it would
definitely be news to me.

The 12 skaters | interviewed were
your common street variety—not
particularly unusual, but quite lovely
nonetheless. They ranged in age from 16
to 23, yet maintained that distinctive
skater attitude that doesn’t bespeak any
particular age group. Each received a
survey to fill out and all proved to be
cooperative and (I think) honest in their
responses.

The survey started off with some
basic probing on the past and present
relationships of my test group. Every
skater had had a girlfriend at some point,
and claimed to have stuck out the
relationship for at least one month, but
rarely longer than three. Most viewed
girls as the “occasional thrill,” citing one-

6 KATE
ASEXUAI

night stands as the preferred encounter.
Most popular reasons for not pursuing
the girl afterward included |) because
they’d been drunk, 2) they weren’t
looking for a relationship at the time, or
3) they just weren’t all that crazy about
the girl in the first place, Amazingly
though, two of the skaters, Mike, 18, and
Eric, 21, had had year-long relationships
that were extremely intense, but even
they claimed to have not spent very
much time with the girlfriend because
A) they didn’t want to get sick of her,
and B) they needed to go out skating a
lot. Sean, 20, summed up the prevailing
attitude toward relationships when he
remarked that girls were “almost the
best,” but skating was definitely “the
best” thing in life.

The skaters were fairly certain as to
the kind of girl they would be interested
in. They described her as being easy to
talk to, beautiful and, most important,
she would have to let them spend almost
all of their time with their friends. Also,
she would have to show that she liked
them a lot. That they would need a
constant reminder of a girl’s interest
points to some insecurity, but the fact
that the skaters didn’t seem very into
spending time with the girl suggests that
they looked more for support and
reassurance in a girl and less for passion
or romance. Scott and Eric made the
point that the girl would be a
companion, but would still never be as
crucial as their skate buddies. So once
again the skaters were unanimous in
their total commitment to skating as the
one daily necessity.

All the skaters admitted to checking
out girls while they were skating, but
they were unanimously horrified at the
suggestion that they skated to impress
girls. The older skaters were particularly

COLOR PHOTOGRAPHY: KRYSTI SPENCE, 22, SAN FRANCISCO, CA BLACK & WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY: MARY-KATE ARNOLD

OR
OT?

by Mary-Kate Arnold,

16, Halifax,
Nova Scotia, Canada

turned off by girls who watched them
skate and then came on to them. The
younger skaters didn’t mind as much, and
a few said that they might actually try
to pick up a girl who watched them skate
if she showed excessive interest first.
So girls who watched them skate got
both good and bad reactions, but for the
most part it made them uncomfortable
and irritated. Sort of like how girls feel
when guys watch them walk down the
street, eh?

Of all the questions | posed, the
skaters were most apathetic about sex.
When asked to rate its importance on a
scale of | to 10, the majority said that
although they wished it was at least a 7,
more often it was actually between 3 and
5. But they seemed happy with that and
not especially worried about the state of
their (usually) nonexistent sex lives. And
most asserted that pursuing sex was
always far less important than finding a
really slick curb.

The impression | was left with was
close to what | had originally thought
about skaters, except that my sampling
was less intelligent than | expected.
(Hardly any of the skaters could spell.
Words like “too,” “maybe” and “want”
elicited interesting variations.) The lack
of importance of sex in their lives was
also surprising, but somehow comforting.
Before the survey | assumed that skaters
were all just perpetual little boys (slightly
immature jerks, to put it a little less
kindly), but | still thought they were all
babes who'd jump at the chance to go

out with a chick. This survey showed me
that, although many of them are probably
nice guys, they're just not worthy of all
the attention. They’re too obsessed with
their concrete fantasies to ever give a
relationship the attention it deserves. I'd
even go so far as to say that they're
boring. My advice to any girl reading this
article: Unless you already know the

skater that you are drooling over and
obsessing about, forget him. Consider
instead that geeky, shy, but kind of cute
boy who always seems to be sitting next
to you on purpose, reading that book
that you thought was so great—he’ll be a
lot less trouble. Or hey, don’t go for any
guy. Maybe just go ice fishing with your
best friend instead.

DECEMBER SASSY 47

NO SATT OL LNVM MOA OS

Have you had it with
overpopulation,
pollution, global
warming and all the
other various
problems of Earth?
Our brainiac pals at
NASA understand
and have
concocted a
sweeping solution.
They think maybe
it’s time we started
looking for a new,
alternative, pristine
place of residence.
Guess where.

Dy Hatie Schmidt, 16,
ot. Petersburg, Fl

With NASA already expect-
ing a US manned landing on
Mars by the year 2020, scien-
tists want to go further and
prepare the lovely red planet
for human life. Not by just
making it possible to live in
isolated bubble domes in a
hostile environment, but by
actually transforming Mars
into an environment all comfy
for our habitation.

However, there is a truck-
load of facts, opinions and
questions to consider before
we engage ourselves in this
(very) costly and (very) time-
consuming undertaking. Inci-
dentally, the process is called
terraformation—terra meaning
“land” and formation meaning
“change.” Changing the land.
Enlightening, huh? Let’s go.

48 DECEMBER SASSY

PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS

Changing a planet like Mars into an habit-
able place includes adapting the atmo-
sphere, climate and surface chemistry to
our delicate needs. Quite a job, considering
that there are three main reasons, all close-
ly related, why we humans couldn’t survive
there for more than a few minutes in its
current state. |) The atmosphere is just too
darn thin, which means very low air pres-
sure (it’s about the same as Earth’s at 20
miles above sea level). VVater can’t exist in a
liquid state when the pressure is that low.
This means that our blood would literally
boil, because, remember kids, the boiling
point drops as pressure does. We would
also find it somewhat impossible to breathe,
which could be more than a little inconve-
nient. 2) Even if we could breathe, there
isn’t nearly enough oxygen in Mars’ atmo-
sphere. The “air” there, being almost
entirely composed of carbon dioxide, is
great for plants but totally lethal for
humans. 3) Absolutely, positively no ozone
layer. Without that, solar radiation freely
penetrates the atmosphere and kills any life-
form which could possibly exist there. Also,
without a significant atmosphere, the green-
house is not in effect, making Mars a tad
too cold for us to survive (mean tempera-
ture is -76 degrees Fahrenheit).

In addition to these physical obstacles,
the whole procedure would cost a ridicu-
lously high amount which isn’t even worth
speculating.

A FEW SOLUTIONS

Have no fear, because those NASA scien-
tists have designed ways which could theo-
retically overcome these daunting
obstacles. The biggest challenge of the ter-
raformation process is the raising of Mars’
average temperature. Assuming that at
some time between now and then working
scientific bubble colonies would be estab-
lished, Mars could be heated by using two
methods: the installation of giant space
mirrors, which would melt the polar ice
caps with reflected solar energy; and the
erection of huge factories capable of spew-
ing out greenhouse gases en masse, which
would eventually trap the sun’s energy

within the atmosphere (sound familiar?).
With the ice caps melting, the tempera-
ture would go up, as would atmospheric
pressure. Once that happens, scientists
could implant tough little genetically engi-
neered plants to metabolize the carbon
dioxide, and this would produce the oxy-
gen humans need. An ozone-like substance
would also have to be introduced into the
atmosphere, in order to protect the red
planet from those nasty ultraviolent rays.
Eventually rain would begin to fall as
clouds developed and Mars would gain a
beautiful, smogless, blue sky. With the
temperature rising, atmosphere thickening,
ice liquifying and plant life growing, it
would continue to terraform itself, until an
equilibrium was reached.

According to NASA, it’s theoretically
possible for all of this to happen by 2200,
with the industry created by the coloniza-
tion eventually paying for the massive finan-
cial investment.

HOW’S THE NEW

PLANET, MARGE?

Okay, your planet is habitable, but what
does it look and feel like? First of all, the
level of gravity on Mars will be about a third
of what it is here, meaning that you could
leap right over your fridge, no problem.
The day will be only a half hour longer, but
the year will be almost twice as long. Also,
geologically Mars is much more intense
than Earth; with little motion in its crust,
mountains tend to pile up higher and
canyons tend to run deeper and longer. For
example, Earth’s highest mountain, Mt.
Everest, is 29,000 feet up, but is towered
over by Mars’ highest, Olympus Mons (it
even sounds big), at 90,000 feet. And since
there is little crustal activity, volcanos rarely
erupt, but if/when they do, lava could flow
endlessly. The oceans would start out as
carbonated water, but later evolve into the
salty stuff. This would happen because the
melted ice from the polar caps would flow
over the land, pick up salt and sediment and
deposit it into the sea. So Mars would ulti-
mately be very similar to Earth, except for
the gravity factor. It still ain’t Kansas, but it
should feel like home.

ARS?

Nd

SPRING LAKE

SPAGNOLIA, 22

STEPHANIE

ILLUSTHATION

HOLD ON: WHAT IF THERE’S
ALREADY LIFE THERE?

If so, it’s most likely a tiny plant that lives
under the ice at the Martian poles. But
does the simplicity of this life-form give us
the right to destroy its whole environment
just to make room for ourselves, simply
because we humans consider ourselves
superior? Let's face it—how would we like
it if some huge, really developed alien
species came to Earth, melted our polar ice
caps, warmed the planet 100 degrees and
proceeded to colonize here? And who
knows, whatever life there might be on
Mars could be in the very early stages of
evolution. After all, we evolved from single-
celled organisms, and we wouldn't be here
if some aliens had adapted Earth to their
needs millions of years ago. | would hope
that if there is life on Mars, it would be pre-
served, or a way found so that it could sur-
vive with humans around.

LIKE, WHO WOULD MAKE THIS
WORLD ANYWAY?

Assuming that there is no intelligent, ratio-
nal life on Mars, how do we get people on
it? I'd like to think that all Earthly nations
would participate in the colonization effort,
forming something which could be called
the “Coalition to Terraform Mars” (CTM).
Nations could contribute what they want in
three basic categories: natural resources
(like oil and steel), financial backing and
technology. Reality check: Unfortunately
the Gulf War proved how even the world’s
most ambitious coalition, the United
Nations, is still dominated by a few power-
ful nations. So what we'd probably end up
with is a new planet dominated by the
Earth’s old powers.

But let’s, for the sake of optimism,
assume we've got some kind of egalitarian
coalition going and we've achieved the ter-
raformation. How does the planet get divid-
ed up? Should we immediately and
recklessly subdivide Mars the way we've
carved up Earth, or should we make it one
peaceful, unified system? Equal division of
land per nation would get the larger partici-
pants of the CTM kicking and screaming; on
the other hand, proportionate distribution
would upset the smaller contributors. And
what if some well-heeled individuals wanted
their own land? Like, someone could
donate a few billion dollars and establish
their own nation. But who would want to
live in Trumpland?

The root of the problem here is that
since division tends to promote greed,
everyone would want more than they have.

This is the source of
war, and the last thing
we would want is an
interplanetary melee.
As history tells us, a
fractured group of div-
erse societies with dif-
ferent agendas would
be less than ideal.
Therefore, Mars must
be unified.

AND WHO GETS
TO GO?

The question of Mars’
future residents is a
tricky one, since—
judging by how segre-
gationist and elitist
humans tend to be—
the chances of it being
established as a closed
community are very
good (especially if it’s
ruled by Earth's rich
and powerful). There
are no easy answers
to this one. First of all,
should only inhabi-
tants of contributing
nations be allowed to
go, or should all peo-
ple be given an equal opportunity? What
about a population limit? Should only peo-
ple with special skills, the people who are
most needed for Martian society, be eligible
for emigration? Would people with criminal
records be banned? What about health
standards? Picture this: Jane Doe is one of
the head scientists on the Earth team that
has been preparing Mars for the final stages
of life. She’s been working for 40 years on
the project, but one month before she is
ready to go, she tests positive for an AIDS-
like disease. Should she still be allowed to
go? She could start an epidemic, but should
she be denied the right to fulfill her dream?
Sometimes what's good for the group is not
agreeable to the individual. On the other
hand, our society prides itself on its preser-
vation of rugged individualism. It’s a dilem-
ma, all right.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO
CRUSHED VELVET?

And finally, who makes the rules? If Mars
were to be under the control of Earth and
a sort of colonial population were to form
and eventually demand sovereignty, what
might follow could closely resemble the
American Revolution, only on a planetary

scale. Those living on Mars would only
stand “outside” rule for so long, so we
should hope that the CTM has the sense
to eventually grant Mars its freedom when
sufficiently developed. But until that time, if
Earth isn’t unified and an interplanetary
committee makes the rules, there will be
problems. Conflicting cultures, customs,
etiquette and religion would all put a strain
on things. For example, Islamic nations and
the Western world have conflicting views
about women; how would it be possible to
reconcile the two on a (hopefully) multicul-
tural Mars?

Which brings me to the bottom line:
Sure we can find ways to make Mars habit-
able for humans. But | don’t think we earth-
lings have any business colonizing anything
until we do a little bit of growing up. We
need to develop to the point where we can
get along with and tolerate each other on
Earth before we dive headfirst into political
and social organization on an interplanetary
scale. A species that kills its own over oil is
hardly ready to accept the responsibilities
of developing a whole new planet. Maybe
we could start by not considering Mars
ours. It would be nice if for once we could
be humane—rather than just human. &

DECEMBER SASSY 49

You Are Natural: You
frolic with large, fluffy
dogs, are ona first name
basis with Body Shop
employees and eat lots of
crunchy fruits.

You Might Wear:
Unbleached natural fabrics
colored with vegetable-
based dyes, non-leather

shoes. Makeup: Blistex

Nair: Down, of course.

Jewelry: Beaded

necklaces you make
yourself,

You Are a Glamour
Queen: You do not walk, you
strut—like the Queen of the

World, only less snooty. You ”s 7
belong in pictures, kid.

Sometimes you must repress
the urge to shriek “I’m

fabulous!” You Might §

Wear: Velvet, even during
the day; lots of black, metallics
and deeply intense colors, like
blood red and emerald green.

Makeup: Red lipstick,
eyeliner, a penciled-in mole,
fake lashes. Hair; Pulled off

your face in a ponytail

or a French twist. Jewelry:

Big, clunky, gold.

50 DECEMBER SASSY

#

MENT OF PEACE ON CEYLONE: STRETCH VELVET TOP BY ESPRIT

ON TARYN: THERMAL TOP BY DEPART

ON HEIDI: VINYL VEST BY LUST

You Are Such a Rebel: You gun your
motorcycle up, perhaps spit. People cringe in
fear. But beneath your angry sneer, a gleeful
grin forms, as you ride out of your stinkin’,
boring town. Your teachers can only dream
of the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants life you
lead. You Might Wear: Leather, combat
boots, black tights with huge runs in them.
Makeup: Lots of black eye makeup
smudged on with your fingers. No lipstick at
all, or else very, very dark lips. Hair:
Untamed—washed, finger-combed and left

to dry its own way. Jewelry: A leather
choker and lots of silver bracelets and rings.

Maybe you are an eco-chick
or maybe you are a rebel or
maybe you are a pemour

queen. No matter; «
you are beautiful
because you are
you. Now stop
being a sissy and
really show it.

You Are a Cartoon: You are so cute

you could have been drawn by Walt
Disney himself. Some days you feel
pretty, like Strawberry Shortcake, and
others gawky, like Olive Oyl. But you

2 ways feel intensely. You are animated.
‘f you were falling off a cliff, you could
churn your legs and stay suspended in
the air for a few seconds. But don’t

cry it) You Might Wear: On an Olive
Oy! day, black dresses, shirts with lace
collars; on a Strawberry Shortcake day,

baby doll dresses in pastel shades. Makeup: Thick eyeliner, very pale
matte powder, precisely defined brows and lips. Hair; Twisted, molded

and set into extreme flips or silly shapes. Jewelry: A Popeye tattoo.

RICHARD MARSHALL

A testimony to endearingly low self-
esteem and guitar hero to thousands,
Richard Marshall is the reputed Sassy-tot-
ing pretty boy of New York City’s Alice
Donut, the band responsible for such
stunning vinyl as Revenge Fantasies of the
Impotent. Hesitantly, he submits his materi-
al for after-school-special fodder. Build a
shrine in your room to this boy. He
deserves it.

“My high school sweetheart—we had
gotten into a fight, and we just sort of fell
out, and | fell in love with her best friend.
Then we went out for a while, and then
we broke up, and then we got back
together again. Then, a year and a half in
the future, we were sitting over at [girl-
friend #2’s] house and, um, | somehow fig-
ured out that the whole time | was seeing
both of them, they were having an affair.
And this was in high school. So, you know,
| was naive, and | had no idea. Eeeuh. It
was pretty ugly. Not 10 minutes after |
learned this, and I’m still in shock, guess
who knocks on the door whom | haven't
seen in three years?” Girlfriend #1. “It was
total coincidence. The second one told me
that [girlfriend #1] would be over later,
but | was planning to get out of there
before she got there. And, oh, if that’s not
enough—l’ve, like, repressed all this; I’m
remembering as I’m going along—we were
all sitting there, girlfriend #2 is in the mid-
dle, and then she started kind of cuddling
both of us, trying to, like, get something
going. It was just really crazy.”

RODNEY ANONYMOUS

Rodney Anonymous (alias Butterfly
Fairweather) vocalizes the Dead
Milkmen’s timeless metaphors for culture,
love and human waste. He manages to stick
his thumb to the day his adolescence died,
and to some other traumatizing goo along
the way. “The whole time | was growing up,
| was in love with this girl in sort of a
roundabout way. | was in love with her
because she was the first rebel | ever met. |
would've been a geek if she hadn’t taught
me how to be a rebel and to talk in front of
people. She'd do stuff like set fires in chem-
istry class. And she understood that school
was a big power game and wanted no part
of it. | consider my first adult thought to be
this one time in, like, tenth grade, just sit-
ting there watching her destroy something,
and | thought, My God, this is the only per-
son | know who's really alive. It wasn’t like
one of those teenage crushes where you
imagine yourself going out with the person.
| just imagined myself spending an eternity
in conversation with her.

“Our junior year, somehow she managed
to become a nominee for homecoming
queen, and everybody was so happy
because she was one of us, the destructive
crowd. And when she came out on stage,
everyone in the audience gave her a stand-
ing ovation. | was sure she'd win, no prob-
lem. But when they announced the winner,
it was the girl who happened to be the
niece of the principal. | thought, They’re

never going to let any of my friends have

anything in this place. And that is when |
lost my mental virginity, stopped being a kid
and became an adult. And it’s weird because
the next person | saw said, “Wow, man. You
look like you’ve aged about 50 years. But |
don’t think she ever really expected to win.
| think that was just her biggest prank. |
have no idea where she is today. She’s prob-
ably, like, a nuclear scientist. Her kids are
going to be amazing.”

KIM COLETTA

Kim Coletta is the bass beneath DC’s melo-
dious, in-demand and coed punk band
Jawbox. Keeping her stardom in check, she
is also the phone-friendly voice of Dischord
Records. She mocks her contemporaries
with her tale of intrigue and emotional scar-
ification on the dark streets of Boston. “It’s
more traumatic than ‘| had a pimple and |
had to go to the prom,” she begins. “We
were all 16, and we had just gotten our
driver's licenses. My mother had a brand-
new Saab—not a cheap car—and | asked if |
could borrow it. | said, ‘We're going to a

EVENTUALLY THE REALIZATION HITS: EVERYONE’S ADOLESCENCE

IS HORROR-FILLED. BUT, HECK, THAT’S
WHAT “POIGNANT” LYRICS AND “DRIVEN”?
BASS-LINES ARE MADE FOR.

party, and that’s it’ In reality we were tak-
ing the car [from New Hampshire] into
Boston, to go see the Minutemen and
D.O.A., a total hardcore show, in a really,
really bad part of town. When we get out
of the show that night, the Saab is not
where we think we left it. So we're like,
‘Okay, don’t panic. It must just be on
another block or something’ But there’s no
Saab. It’s stolen. Now, I’m not supposed to
be in Boston and it’s 2:00 in the morning,
SO we went to the police station. It was
just horrible. They were bringing in gun-
shot victims and here are these three little
punks huddled on the floor. Finally |
reported it, and | had to call my mother
and say, ‘Look, your car’s been stolen.’ It
was pretty traumatic—l don’t even remem-
ber getting punished for it, but | probably
did and just blotted it out. We did get the
car back weeks later, and it was seriously
stripped. There was nothing left—not even
the steering wheel.”

JELLO BIAFRA

This West Bay (San Francisco) punk fave
has more substance than his namesake.
Aside from tangling with Tipper Gore and
the PMRC (Parents’ Music Resource
Center), former Dead Kennedys singer
Jello Biafra owns the Alternative Tentacles
record label, which puts out his newer,
impassioned spoken-word stuff (which
incidentally, cites Sassy as a total corporate
take-over). Although he was more often
the perpetrator than the butt of high
school pranks, he musters up one instance
of abject victimization: “In ninth-grade gym
class some people filled up a squirt bottle
with a free sample of Taster’s Choice cof-
fee crystals. Turns out if you mix that with
only a little bit of water it looks exactly
like diarrhea. They squirted my uniform
with the stuff through the metal slot in my
gym locker, and managed to get my shorts
in just the right place. Even the gym teach-
er was laughing that day, ‘Huh, huh, huh—
you know what that looks like, don’t you?
Huh, huh, huh, huh. ”

JENNIFER FINCH
Jennifer Finch, L7’s bassist/vocalist/culinary
delight and a walking testament to sea-
soned angst, readily coughed up some har-
rowing chunks from her past. She skirts
the momentarily debilitating (“I’m trying to
think if | ever put my makeup on really
badly, or bled through a dress at
chool...”) for an earful of real trauma.
“The way | grew up...the people | grew up
with, used a lot of words like ‘nigger’ and
‘faggot’ and ‘bitch, but it didn’t have a lot
of hatred behind it. | grew up talking like
that, not really understanding what | was
saying, but completely building these walls
without even knowing it. Finally when |
was |4, | got this boyfriend. He was this
really popular guy in the scene. And one
night we were at the spot that everyone
hung out at on Santa Monica Blvd. in
Hollywood, which was a big gay area.
There was a lot of mob mentality; like 10
people would beat up one person. And
one night, my boyfriend started this mob
thing against this gay guy who had said
something to all the punk rock boys who
were standing there. And they beat him so
hard that he died. | was really terrified
because | had watched this whole thing go
down, and | saw this guy get killed by all
these little homophobic, b.s. kids, and my
boyfriend was at the helm. He eventually
went to jail for manslaughter. That was the
first time | remember completely not buy-
ing this peer pressure thing. [| remember]
thinking that he absolutely deserved to be
in jail. And there were these people who
were, like, ‘How can you say that? He’s
your boyfriend. | was 14 and had a
boyfriend off in jail. It was really hard at
the time because | never really got along
with the normal kids at my school. Ever
since then I’ve been really careful about
the words that you call people.”

BLACKIE ONASSIS

Blackie Onassis might think he’s fooling
someone with his fashion flair, but we can
recognize a broken soul even » PAGE 80

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On Janitzia, above: Red, white and blue ribbed top by
Cool Wear, $25. Red fur overalls with zebra pocket by
Gypsies and Thieves, $145. Above, right: Green buckle
shoes by John Fluevog, $120. Below, right: Polka-dot and
striped ‘Cat In the Hat” hats by Gypsies and Thieves.
Top hat by New York Hat Co. Floppy striped hat by
Matthews Hats. Below: Yellow clogs by Birkenstock.
Other shoes by John Fluevog. All hats by 2B!

56 DECEMBER SASSY

And he said to us,
‘Why do you sit there like that?...’

On Naomi: Black fake fur bra by
Gypsies and Thieves, $20. Black

and white leggings by NaNa. Blue
and white polka dot hat by Venetian
Paradise from the Antique
Boutique, NYC. Necklace from
Craft Caravan, NYC. Beach balls
from Pennywhistle Toys, NYC.

Boutique, NYC, $29.

Green buckle shoes by John Fluevog.

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DECEMBER SASSY 59

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The Convention for a Democratic
South Africa (called CODESA Il) last
June was one of those events that
made the evening news more exciting
than the preview of Melrose Place. For
the first time, whites and blacks were
meeting to negotiate a non-racist
democratic constitution. It was the
culmination of two years of drastic re-
forms designed to put an end to
apartheid. Under the system of apar-
theid, whites—although only I|5 per-
cent of the population—exercised
total control over almost every facet
of black life. Blacks were not allowed
to vote, they were not allowed to
have any high-level jobs, most black
publications were censored and blacks
were not allowed to organize polliti-
cally. The reforms began in 1990 with
South Africa Prez F.W. de Klerk’s
freeing of Nelson Mandela, the leader
of the African National Congress
(ANC). That same year de Klerk also
ended most censorship and allowed
all black political parties to function.
Then in 1991 whites approved a ref-
erendum which called for power-shar-
ing with blacks.

In the face of these totally positive
changes, | assumed the constant, bru-
tal violence between the government
and blacks would end. It did. But just
as quickly, violence between the two
predominant black political parties—
the older ANC and the newer Inkatha
Freedom Party (IFP)—escalated. Since
1990 over 6,500 deaths, almost all of
them black, have been attributed to
this conflict. It got so bad that the
ANC pulled out of the CODESA Il
talks until the government paid more
attention to the situation. The talks

resumed two months later, after de
Klerk made several concessions. Still,
you don’t stop the first formalized,
multi-party negotiational forum in
your country’s history for just any
political tiff.

So what’s it about? Nelson Mandela
said, “Just as the Nazis killed people
simply because they were Jews, the
National Party [the ruling white party]
and Inkatha are killing people simply
because they are black.” But most of
the members of Inkatha are black. The
idea that the most immediate obstacle
to ending apartheid was black disunity
baffled me, so | asked two young
members of Inkatha and ANC to
explain why they are fighting.

Five minutes after | call the ANC
Youth League in Johannesburg, | am
put on the phone with Parks
Mankahlama. He’s 22 and sounds like
the guy who always gets picked to be
the spokesperson when you do group
work in school. He hasn’t had any
time to prepare for our interview—
it’s totally off the cuff—but he sounds
like he’s been preparing for it all his
life. In a way he has. The ANC was
banned until 1990, so when he was
15, Parks joined a legal group that had
policies similar to the ANC’s. As soon
as the ANC was unbanned, Parks
joined up, and now he’s Secretary of
Publicity and Information. “I wanted
to see an end to apartheid. | found
that the ANC was the best organiza-
tion to do that.”

I’m speaking to him a few months
after nearly 50 people were killed in
the Boipatong township, which is not
far from Johannesburg. Allegedly, at

Half of South Africa’s population is under 15.

They’ve lived most of their lives surrounded
by the violence of apartheid. South Africa

is on the brink of ending apartheid, but with
the two largest political parties fighting

each other, whether there will be peace in
their lifetimes is another story. By SAMANTHA

8:00 on the night of June 17, about
200 Inkatha supporters stormed this
shantytown, shooting, spearing and
hacking residents. VWWhen | ask Parks
why blacks are killing each other so
violently and in such large numbers,
his answer totally shocks me. He
says: “The violence is not black on
black. Blacks are mainly the victims of
it. The ANC fights Inkatha but the
violence is orchestrated by the secu-
rity [police] force.”

The security force was originally a
white-run institution created to
enforce apartheid, and the consensus

among most blacks is that its goal
hasn't really changed. After Nelson
Mandela stopped CODESA I! because

the government was totally inept in
dealing with the Boipatong massacre,
the security force made some
reforms—they gave blacks the right
to be generals and removed a third of
the white generals. But Parks says
these are tiny concessions and the
government still has a long way to go.

“The Inkathas are just pawns,
stooges of the government,” Parks
claims. “The organization is supposed
to be led by black people for black
people, but the government uses it to
promote the ideals of apartheid. For
example, United Workers of South
Africa (UWUSA, an Inkatha-linked
trade union) was established by the
South African Police, using their
funds, and continues to operate on
their finance. The Inkathas are too
small and not vocal enough to spread
violence across the country. Only the
government has that capacity.”

It has also been reported by the

South African press that the govern-
ment secretly paid Inkatha $675,000
to train hit squads, allegedly to
attack ANC members. And until
September there was a law that
allowed Inkatha members to carry
“tribal weapons” in public. After the
ANC pulled out of the CODESA Il
negotiations, the government
changed this law.

Parks really wants the negotiations
to work. He talks about them for
about |5 minutes, getting into details
which are totally over my head. His
main peeves are |) that the “white
group, or the National Party, wants
a built-in white veto for the constitu-
on (this would mean that whites
could make final decisions on policies
regardless of how blacks feel), and 2)
that the National Party wants to
divide the country into small,
autonomous regions according to
present tribal boundaries. But this
means, according to Parks, that the
“provinces that are already extremely
poor won't be able to generate
income on their own. The apartheid
system has allowed some areas—
white areas—to develop at the
expense of others. The most power-
ful economic regions, which have
most of the nation’s coal mines and
gold mines, are where all the whites
live. They could refuse to help devel-
op other regions, which would lead
to greater poverty.”

Parks believes that before there
can be a democratic South Africa, the
country needs to address the legacy
of apartheid, but he says the govern-
ment refuses. He thinks PAGE 78

If not for the elbows jabbed into my back,
stomach and throat, it might have been a
perfect night. Then there was the guy
behind me who kept coughing in my ear,
the guy in front of me whose hair had an
almost magnetic fondness for my mouth,
and the dude crowd-surfing above me who
wished to introduce my face to his right
shoe. Not to mention the hundreds of
other people pushed into me, making me
strikingly thinner than | had been a few
hours ago.

This is the concert crush. Exciting, hot,
sweaty, frustrating, painful. You don’t know
whether to laugh or cry or whip out an
automatic weapon and start shooting. You
can’t breathe, but you sure are psyched
about being within inches of Fugazi. The
chick next to you is way drunk and fright-
eningly close to puking all over you. Your
friends floated by a few minutes ago, but
who’s to say you won't be called to the
morgue to identify their bodies later? Your
nose itches, but you can’t scratch it because
your arms are pinned to your sides. Then
again, the beautiful guy crammed behind
you did offer his assistance....

There is no logical explanation for all
this. No one ever claims responsibility for
the pushing—even those in the back of
the crowd will take no credit, insisting that
they were being pushed. (Like, yeah, a
strong gust of wind hurled them forward.)
But while we may never fully solve the
mystery of the concert crush, we can at
least try to understand some of the pro-
cesses at work within it.

ASSESSING THE COMPONENTS

There are several different groups that
make up every crowd, and the friction
between them creates most of the prob-
lems within. The distinctions may be hazy,

64 DECEMBER SASSY

and it may be difficult to positively identify
every single individual in the throng. But
doing so even partially is bound to be a
big help.

The Masses: These are the people who
lend some civility to the affair, and fortu-
nately they constitute the biggest part of
every crowd. The masses come to see a
concert, not to make friends or trouble, or

to cause any major destruction of the
venue. They won’t hurt anyone or scream
at anyone or talk to anyone other than the
people they came with. They generally do
not push, even when provoked.

The Buddy: By this | mean the lonely
types who came alone or lost their
friends in the shuffle, and now they’ve set
their sights on you. They tell you they like

PHOTOGRAPH: KRYSTI SPENCE

your shoes or your hair color, or that you
bear a striking resemblance to their third-
grade best friend. You'll never see this
person again, but for the moment some
serious bonding is going on. You can’t
help it—when you’re stuck together (lit-
erally), you tend to feel a warped sort of
camaraderie, and before you know it,
you're telling your life story to this
stranger. But then, it can be strangely
cathartic to tell your secrets to someone
whose path you'll never cross again.

The Comedian: This guy takes the
buddy’s job one step further. He doesn’t
want to bond with just one or two people,
he wants to befriend the entire crowd.
These can be the most wonderful members
of the congregation, or the most annoy-
ing—it really depends on whether or not
you find their jokes funny. But they often
serve as an important line of defense, using
their jokes to make people who are both-
ering you back off. Comedians are often the
quiet, reserved types in other situations;
the crowd simply brings out the ham in
them (must be the captive audience).

The Enthusiast: Perhaps the most annoy-
ing type in a crowd, this is the guy behind
you who sings along to every song (off-key)
so loudly that you can’t hear the actual
music. Or the chick next to you who is
swinging her cigarette so fiercely that
you’re not sure you'll have two eyes
tomorrow. These people are pretty harm-
less and mostly can be ignored—except
when they list stage-diving as one of their
skills and land a size 10 Doc in your face.
The Bully: Here we have the biggest dan-
ger in any crowd. They will push, punch,
pinch and pummel you without remorse.
These types want people to be afraid of
them, because to them, fear means respect.
A concert is a safe environment for bullies,

Concerts are
famous for their
casualty
potential. I’ve
sustained
my share of black
eyes, broken toes
and cuts—I
once left a show
with a complete
imprint of
someone’s mouth
on my shoulder
(| counted 29
teeth). But your
chances of
surviving are
much greater if
you understand
what you're
working against.

since there will usually be no repercussions

for their actions. Nobody is going to come
after them later, or even remember what
they look like the next day. They get all of
the fun without the repentance.

The Savior: Generally, this is a large male
who is willing to defend you by inflicting a
few swift kicks or sharp remarks on a bully.
The guy thinks that you need his help
because you are small or because you are
female or because someone is hitting you

about the head with a stick. He will also
hold you up when you are pushed, pick you
up if you fall over and perform various
other acts of chivalry. At least eight times a
minute, he will ask you if you are okay.
There is always a savior around when you
need one, although you will rarely admit
that you do—we like to think that we are
in control, and this kind of helplessness
seems like a threat to our independence.
Most of us prefer a female savior, the chick
who just grabs the guy who’s repeatedly
kicking you and says, “Hey! You're hurting
someone here!” You know it has nothing
to do with your gender. She just sees
someone in distress and wants to help.

APPLYING WHAT YOU’VE GLEANED

In a more controlled, less energetic setting,
the problems you face in a crowd are not
so severe. If someone is bothering you, you
simply can ignore them. But in a concert
crowd, there’s nowhere to run to get away,
so it all seems much more imposing and
unnerving. That is why the key to an injury-
free concert experience is keeping your
cool. Just look into a bully’s eyes and say
“Stop it!” It may not work, but it’s also a
great way to bring attention to the loser
and get other people to help you. And
whatever you do, don’t incite a bully—they
don't need an excuse to jump all over you.
it's important to stand up for yourself if
they re causing you harm, but don’t chal-
lenge them.

Also try to stick with your friends—or,
if you've lost yours, stick with the buddies
who glom on to you. They probably aren’t
people you'd choose to surround yourself
with on an everyday basis, but the principle
is the same: safety in numbers.

Last but not least, know your limits.
You know if you can handle a bully, or if
you feel hurt, or if you are about to pass
out from claustrophobia. So don’t betray
yourself: If you feel uncomfortable, don’t
stick around; if that’s not an acceptable
option (after all, you’ve probably laid out
big bucks for this entertainment), at least
move to the sidelines.

There are ways to avoid becoming a
statistic in a concert crowd. The next time
you're being pushed and shoved or
maimed, take a look around. You'll proba-
bly want to be kind to your local buddy,
introduce yourself to a savior type or head
for the periphery. Otherwise, you could be
in for a bumpy ride. &

Crush

19, PORTLAND, ME

BY KELLIE KILMARTIN, DECEMBER SASSY 65

Five percent of all women suffer so badly before their
periods that they need medical attention. So what about
the other 95 percent of us? Are we seriously victims of
the uncontrollable mood swings known as Premenstrual

Syndrome, or
have we just
been brain-
washed to
keep us in
our place?

Virginia Woolf once wrote, “Science, it
would seem, is not sexless; she is a man, a
father and...produce[s] measurements to
order.” What she meant was that while
true science is sexless, false science has a
distinctly male character and is used to
justify prejudice. Good point, Virginia. In
the 19th century, craniologists used brain
measurements to justify their claim that
women were intellectually inferior. This
was also around the time when women
were barred from universities and almost
all professions. Hmmm. By the 1950s, psy-
chologists used concepts like penis envy
and women’s “natural passivity” to keep
them docile and domestic. Today, there’s
a vestige of pseudo-science that continues
to repress and weaken women. It’s called
PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome).

A LITTLE CONTRADICTORY
MEDICAL HISTORY OF PMS
Women have been menstruating forever,
but as a medical diagnosis PMS has only
been around since 1931. That was the
year Dr. Robert T. Frank, a gynecologist,
conducted the first of many studies
attempting to link mood swings with hor-
monal activity. In these studies, scientists
gave women checklists to fill out describ-
ing the seven days before their periods.
The women completed the lists at the
end of the month, so they had to try to
remember if they felt “worried” on the
[5th or “more interested in sex” on the
19th. Such imprecise research obviously

66 DECEMBER SASSY

led to untrustworthy conclusions.

Based on this research, Frank came up
with 150 symptoms women experience in
the week before their periods. Unfortu-
nately, for something he called a disorder,
some of its symptoms were incredibly
vague. They included anything from clum-
siness and forgetfulness to loss of self-
confidence, confusion and decreased
mental ability. A big misconception about
PMS is that if a woman experiences one
symptom, she experiences them all. So
many women believe that if they get pre-
menstrual cramps, they must also be
depressed and angry and unable to think
clearly.

There is no denying that there are
women who experience a lot of the 150
symptoms each month; some so badly
that they need medical treatment—a
condition called PMD—Premenstrual
Disorder. But only five percent of
American women have been diagnosed
with it. The other 95 percent of us have a
few of the symptoms, like bloating and zits
and minor cramps—undeniable and
uncomfortable, for sure, but not worthy
of constituting a whole syndrome.

Another misconception is the whole
“raging hormones” concept. Recent stud-
ies found no real differences in hormonal
fluctuation between women with severe
mood swings and women without them.
Dr. David Rubinow, the clinical director
of the National Institute of Mental Health,
says that women with PMS do not have

BY TRACY ANDERSON, 15, SCHENECTADY, NY

abnormally high or low levels of the hor-
mones that influence the menstrual cycle.
This doesn’t mean if you have mood
swings that they’re all in your mind, just
that hormones are not the cause.

When scientists give men checklists
about their monthly mood shifts, the men
cite symptoms almost exactly the same as
the symptoms of PMS. And there’s actual-
ly more evidence of men’s mood swings
and self-esteem being affected by hormon-
al fluctuations. Doreen Kimura, a psychol-
ogist at the University of Western
Ontario, found that a man’s level of cogni-
tive ability is directly related to seasonal
fluctuations of testosterone (the male
hormone). And James Dabbs Jr. and Robin
Morris of Georgia State University found
that too much testosterone was associat-
ed with delinquency, drug use, promiscu-
ity, conduct disorders, abusiveness and
violence. Even so, high levels of testos-
terone wouldn’t be justification for par-
doning a male killer. Having PMS,
however, was a good enough reason to
acquit a British woman of murder charges.

IS IT ALL IN YOUR HEAD?

HIPS? WHAT?

That trial shows how strongly people
believe in PMS. Yet according to Dr. Gary
Shangold, the American Medical Associa-
tion’s PMS consultant, not one major PMS
theory can be scientifically proven. Today,
six decades after the first study, there is
still little known about PMS. Scientists

don’t know what causes it. Doctors don’t
know how to define it (is it physical or
mental?), and they’re not sure about
exactly when it occurs (before your peri-
od? during? both?). There’s also still no
cure for its symptoms. Most of the pre-
scription drugs on the market have not
been proven effective. Not only that,
some of them produce temporary
menopause. Others cause such lovely side
effects as facial hair, weight gain and
shrunken breasts.

Adding to the confusion is that different
studies don’t agree on whether believing
you have PMS serves to lessen or heighten
your symptoms. In one study, women were
asked to fill out a diary of their physical and
emotional feelings. Half of the women knew
that the study was about menstruation and
half the women didn’t. The women who
knew reported a much higher incidence of
mood swings and physical problems than
the women who didn’t.

Yet another study agreed that the only
difference between women who thought
they had PMS and women who didn’t was
psychological. Only this time, the women
who thought they had PMS actually expe-
rienced fewer symptoms than the women
who didn’t (they were, however, more
likely to feel guilty about their anger and
have low self-esteem). So despite all the
“scientific” study, there’s been precious
little added to our understanding of this
“syndrome.”

Exercise and eating less salt can help ease
cramps and bloating. And just keeping busy
and not obsessing about your body seems
to ease most premenstrual and menstrual
symptoms. But jogging and feeling good

about your body aren’t as profitable as
pills, herbal teas and doctor visits. It’s no
surprise that a lot of PMS seminars, books,
tapes, etc., are sponsored by drug compa-
nies. But, if, as | said earlier, only five per-
cent of the female population has a serious
premenstrual problem, why are we tricked
into believing that all women are the vic-
tims of mood swings and unprovoked
anger every month? Because this confu-
sion not only helps to sell drugs, it keeps
women out of power. In 1970, an article in
the New York Times said that “women
might be unfit for top jobs” because of the
“raging hormonal influences of the men-
strual cycle.”

Sadly, when the idea of PMS was first
introduced, many women readily accepted
it. They then helped perpetuate the myth
by using it as a scapegoat for their anger,
to prove to men that their feelings were
legitimate. (At that time, anger was still
considered a male emotion; for a woman

to be angry was inappropriate, even aber-
rant, behavior. Come to think of it, things
haven’t changed that much.) Now it’s up
to women to help stop it. PMS robs us of
our right to be angry and assertive.
Because every time a woman blames her
anger or crankiness on PMS, she’s saying
that her body and emotions are out of
control, and therefore she can’t be held
accountable for her actions. Which is
exactly what any sexist person wants to
believe. Who wants a president thought
to be depressed, angry and erratic every
28 days? Or how about a combat soldier?
Or the boss of a company? If you take
those 150 symptoms at face value, pre-
menstrual women shouldn't even be
allowed to drive.

This manipulated, over-publicized femi-

nine disorder does more than portray
women as skittish and unreliable; it’s yet
another way to make us hate our bodies
and feel ashamed and unhappy about the
thing that makes us women. Society, televi-
sion and magazines are constantly telling us
how painful, annoying and embarrassing it
is to menstruate. Most articles neglect to
mention that many women actually feel
more energetic and creative premenstrual-
ly. Did you ever stop and think that men-
struation is the thing that allows us to
carry babies to perpetuate our race? It fol-
lows a lunar schedule, keeping us in tune
with the universe. Of course there’s some
discomfort and embarrassment. But having
your period is no more embarrassing than
having an erection, or a wet dream, and
you don’t see drugs on the market trying
to cure men of those.

We'd all feel a lot better if we didn’t
believe the lies and overstatements about
PMS. We accept them because we’ve been

brainwashed hearing about PMS, making
our bodies into alien things we don’t
understand, much less trust. This must
end if women are ever going to be taken
seriously. Remember that what you
believe about PMS helps determine the
symptoms. Don’t use it to excuse what
you feel or do. If you disagree with some-
one, don’t let them call you disagreeable
because of PMS, attribute it to simply hav-
ing a different opinion. Or if a woman is
being really emotional, don’t automatically
blame it on hormones. Let’s operate on
the assumption that a woman’s anger or
sadness is her right and not necessarily the
result of some uncontrollable imbalance.
Because women are not helpless victims of
PMS or anything else. Don’t let anyone tell
you otherwise. &

DECEMBER SASSY 67

The Summer of Love. The Me Decade.
Hot pants. Bell bottoms. Power ties.
Burn, baby, burn, the disco inferno. It
seems as if every generation in post-
World War II America has had its own
labels and cultural signifiers. However,
mainstream, adult-type magazines like
Time and Rolling Stone have pretty much
decided that our generation is notewor-
thy mostly because of its lack of a unifying
identity. Is this true?

In a way, | like to think it is, mainly
because the idea of an entire generation
having so many characteristics in com-
mon that everyone in it can be reduced
to a single label (“Hi! We're the
Generation!”) is so ludicrous that only
some marketing executive could have
come up with it. (Kind of like certain TV
producers attempting to market us into
90210 or Melrose Place residents.)

Stefan, a friend of mine and a graduate
student in anthropology, points out that
the comparison of “us” with people who
were our age in, say, the 60s is usually
made in a way that pretends to be sort of
hip and liberal, but which is actually quite
conservative and reactionary. Whether
they’re encouraging you to go into the
family business or be an antiwar activist, if
someone of an older generation is criti-
cizing you for being different from them,
aren't they being stodgy and old-fash-
ioned, just by telling a younger person
what to do—trying to perpetuate the
image they have of themselves in you?
People who make these comparisons
often fault kids nowadays for not rallying
around something, as kids presumably did
in the 60s. They would like to paint us as
apathetic because we don’t have
grandiose visions of changing the world
the way some people claim they did back
then. But these sorts of observations
deny the value of the political, social and
artistic undertakings of various “contem-
porary” people, who may not feel the
need or have the ability to unify under
the banner of “youth.” The idea that
there is or ought to be something called
“youth culture” is hopelessly out-of-date
and kind of silly, when you think about it.

Still, | don’t think it would be right to

68 DECEMBER SASSY

dismiss the whole issue of generational
identity just because it’s usually served up
with a crypto-reactionary spin. After all,
the old-fogey types that run those booor-
ing mags are looking for the wrong signs.
The signs of our times may not be as sim-
ple as a peace symbol or as visible as John
Travolta’s chest hair, but | think they’re
definitely there (or here—wait, they
were around somewhere just a minute

“As the Help
Yourself Generation
morphs into the
Self-Help Generation,
they leave a legacy
of failed models:
hippie, yippie,
wimpy and yuppie
(the 4 Dwarves
of the Apocalypse).
And none
applicable to the
average Slacker.”
—Andrew Hultkrans
ago). We may not have a unified identity
like, say, some kids in the '60s thought
they had, but maybe that kind of homo-
geneity isn’t something we'd want any-
way. Not to mention that one of the
biggest points of a multicultural approach
to things is that a totally binding unity
denies the value and experiences of the
smaller communities of people by trying

to make them fit into a narrow idea of
how things should be.

“IN THE AGE

OF COMMUNICATION...”

Probably the place to begin this wild goose
chase is the media, where we've got to fig-
ure out how this nebulous mass of images

ENERA

and information affects all questions of
identity these days. It’s kinda like Lady Miss
Kier sez: We're living in “the global village,
in the age of communication” and “the
world is our clique.” The idea of a global
village can be looked at in two different
ways. First, it could be the sort of place
where everybody has everything in com-
mon and there’s a really old-fashioned
sense of team spirit (NOT teen spirit). The
media that we all share tends to iron out
those pesky little differences cultures have
and render them all homogenous and iden-
tical to the most powerful one (guess
which). For example, satellite dishes now
permit families in rural parts of South
America or what used to be the Soviet
Union to watch many of the shows made
in the United States. And studies have
found that American fashion magazines,
white women and all, are so pervasive in
developing nations that those heinous
stereotypes of looks and body image
(which have been inducing eating disorders
and other psychological traumas in
American women for years) have begun to
affect beauty standards in those countries
too. This situation is an advertising exec’s
dream: The whole world becomes one big
market for his products.

A more ideal situation is what | like to
call the Lady Kier Model Of the Global
Village (LKMOGV for short, pronounced
“luckmogov’”—handy, huh?), in which the
media and technology, instead of destroying
all the various swell cultures in the world
by replacing them with tacky values, actually
facilitate communication and the sharing of
ideas among different cultures around the
world. It seems possible, if media and tech-
nology continue to become cheaper and

WE DON’T
STIN

GENER

TION?

ILLUSTRATION ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN EIGHTBALL BY FANTAGRAPHICS BOOKS. COPYRIGHT 1992 BY DANIEL CLOWES

more accessible to everyone, that they
will no longer be propaganda machines
for powerful countries like the United
States. And so the media will become just
that: a mediator for the discussion and cul-
tural cross-referencing which will make up
an integral part of our heterogeneous vil-
lage. I’m not going to say that when every-
one in the world gets her/his hands on
a Do-It-Yourself Worldwide Karaoke
Broadcast Facility that global warming will

IN THE fFuTURE ---
beexn exnaudted

WORLD WILL END 2

wmew--a

ccee

NEED NO
AEN’

ATION

Nothing hew will ye
CYeatéd - Old ideas will dgimply te

yerretually renadched, recucled and re-
combined Unti1 ever
At wiidch

Something

cease and all people will be free—but it
certainly would be a step in the right
direction. Part of our generation’s identity
could stem from this sort of multicultural
atmosphere, where we extract individual
relevance from a global context.

RECYCLING: IT’S NOT JUST FOR
PAPER AND GLASS ANYMORE...
But put all fancy multiculturalism and starry-
eyed utopianism aside for a minute and

Cormnbination ha¢g
Yoirt THE

Hy

used as evidence that “our” heroes are
lunkheads whose only goal in life is to, in
the immortal words of the Spinal Tap key-
boardist, “have a good time—all the time.”
And so we also must be a bunch of useless,
shaggy slackers with nothing in our heads
but Alice Cooper lyrics.

by Ethan Smith,
21, New York, NY

Stay tuned for some knowledge.
Wayne and Garth and their fans aren’t
dumb. Their language is in fact a hyper-lit-
erate hodgepodge of cultural references
that I’m pretty sure most people’s par-
ents, no matter how open-minded they
are, wouldn’t get. They don’t parrot slo-
gans like “make love, not war;” instead,
they splice together various bits of their
mass media universe to create a language
that both mocks and celebrates the popu-
lar culture that gave rise to them. Wayne
and Garth use all the tacky American cul-
ture of the past I5 years in really creative
and far-out ways. Anyway, what would
you do with all that stuff, throw it out?
No way! Recycling is good.

“TAKE THE FUNKY DRUMMER
AND GIVE HIM BACK TO
JAMES...”—BLACK SHEEP
Our world is so saturated with various
forms of communication that many people
(far-out French theorist Jean Baudrillard,
for example) say that it’s pretty much
made of media. So it’s no wonder that rap-
pers sample and Wayne’s World is refer-
ence-ville. The two things are not all that
different. It’s also no wonder that certain
people get very upset over this sort of
thing; our society claims to place a premi-
um on originality, and when people are
faced with a phenomenon like sampling,
they shout “thief!” Of course, if they would
just think for 10 seconds, they’d realize
that the incessant demand for originality is
pretty worn-out and unoriginal in itself.
VVhen a record producer uses a sam-
ple, she or he is not simply “stealing” the
beat or riff off the older record, she/he is
giving it a whole new meaning by recon-
textualizing it within the new song. This
might seem lofty and far-fetched right
now, but think about Madonna’s “Justify
My Love,” Public Enemy’s “Rebel Without
a Pause,” and Sinéad O’Connor’s “| Am
Stretched Out on Your Grave.” They all
have the same beat, taken from a James
Brown song called, appropriately enough,
“Funky Drummer.” But while the sample
is the same in each case, it works in a
completely different way in each song.
And while we’re on the musical front,
Das EFX is a rap group which exemplifies
a recent trend. In addition to musical sam-
ples, their lyrics include quotations from
all over the media universe (kinda like
Wayne and Garth’s language). PAGE 79

DECEMBER SASSY 69

| finished dabbing a gener-
ous coat of Noxzema on
my face and yanked on the
chain that extinguishes the
harsh bathroom lights. My pink
robe dropped to the floor as |
slowly stepped into the tub, stir-
ring the water with my big toe
first, to test the temperature.
The moon snuck in through the
slats of the window shutters and
| could see my ghost-white
reflection glowing in the mirror.
| wetted a washcloth and
scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed
my face. When | was done, |
snuck a glance in the mirror to
make sure | was still there: still
there, still ghost-white, perfectly
still. White as snow and pure as
Ivory soap. Then | relaxed and
sunk into the tub. | enjoy this
part of my day the most. | get
some of my best thinking done
here. My mother thinks
it’s some sort of weird
“ritualistic behavior” but
she indulges me a lot
since she has become a
crusader to “protect my
right to self-expression.” She uses a lot of
euphemisms in her everyday speech. My
mother also takes on her role of protec-
tress with quite a religious zeal, though this
was not always so.

Once, when | was six, | heard her behind
a semi-closed bedroom door, sobbing, “My
poor, poor baby, it’s all my fault.” She was
holding the package of school portraits |
had just brought home. Scientifically, the
way | see it, it’s both of their faults. They
are both heterozygous carriers with a one-
in-four chance of producing a homozygous
albino individual. My two older brothers
turned out tan and freckled, respectively,
then bingo, they hit the genetic jackpot with
me. My father opts to avoid the entire sub-
ject, like a nervous man who wears gloves
to prevent his old vice of nail biting. Which
is okay by me. When I was little, kids would
tease me by singing, “Mary, Mary, quite
contrary, how’d ya get so white and scary?”
The whole thing kind of bored me. My
brother Joe once gave me some apple-fla-
vored candy that turned my tongue green.
He told me to stick out my tongue when
the kids started, and if any of them still
stuck around after that he’d come and beat

70 DECEMBER SASSY

Snow VWVhite

by Grace Hu

them up. We had a good laugh. Now my
brothers are away at school and kids have
learned to be mean in that silent, adult way.
Actually most of them aren’t mean, they're
more semi-apathetic. That is, they don’t
really care, except they sure are glad they
aren’t me. You can read relief off their faces
as soon as they pass in the hallways, shout-
ing overly cheerful hellos to avoid staring. |
guess it hasn’t helped that my mother has
always been overprotective in an apologetic
way, practically passing out flyers on the
subject matter to mothers of curious chil-
dren at the playground. When | told this to
my brother Ben, he laughed. “Oh, God.
Don’t give her any ideas.” My brothers
always make me feel special too, but in a
good way. | miss them when they’re away.
So what I’m basically trying to say is that
I've never had a lot of real “social interac-
tion with other kids my age.” This is what
the school counselor suggested is the root
of all my problems. Considering it was the
third time | had been called into her office
in two weeks, she said she was a little dis-
appointed “in my effort to modify my anti-

social behavior.” She must have
taken a course in polite speech
with my mother, since that
roughly translates into: This is
the third time in two weeks |

in the library. | told the librarian
that | am very careful about
eating and reading without
staining the books (which is
pretty easy as | detest all condi-
ments). Ms. Kleghorn, afore-
mentioned counselor, whined,
“But we have such a nice court-
yard. Everyone else enjoys eat-
ing on the green.” The
Weeping Willow High green
has seen better seasons.

Basically | have only one
friend. Sometimes you'll find
that one good friend is really all
you need. Anyway, Karen is the
real reason I’ve been eating
lunch in the library. She started
dating a rather popular
individual a few weeks
ago and has started
eating lunch with him
and his friends. The
whole first week of
her relationship she would come looking
for me at lunch and I’d hide behind some
lockers and duck into the library when she
wasn't looking. Finally | just told her that I’d
started a macrobiotic diet in preparation
for the Weeping Willow Marathon I’m
training for and have to run home for lunch
every day. I’m not sure this plan of mine is a
good idea, but | don’t want to ruin her
chances of making some more friends, and
I'd rather we not have some sort of awk-
ward conversation about the whole matter.

| take a big gulp of air and sink all the
way into the tub. Even under water | can
hear my mother’s shrill voice calling,
“MMmmmaary! Phone call! MMmmmaary!”
How | could have floated inside her for
nine months listening to that voice at such
close range, I’ll never know.

“Hello?” | said, clutching my makeshift
towel sarong with one hand and the phone
with the other. My hair kept dripping pit-
ter-pat dots on the lime-green pile carpet.

“Mary? It’s Karen. Sorry to interrupt
your bath.” | wasn’t too surprised it was
her, since she’s the only one besides my
brothers who ever calls me.

“That’s okay. What’s going »®PAGE 72

have been caught eating lunch

ILLUSTRATION: STEPHANIE SPAGNOLIA

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@ PAGE 70 SNOW WHITE

on? Did Clara want to talk to me?” | teased.
Clara is Karen’s ||!-month-old sister, the
product of the joyous union of Karen’s
mother and Herbert, Karen’s stepfather.
We have an ongoing contest to see who
can teach her to say their name first.

“Yeah, right,” she laughed. “Listen, what
are you doing next Friday?”

“Halloween? Dressing up and scaring
people. Like always,” | said, half serious.

“Well, listen to this. ’'m having a party
and you’re coming,” Karen said. | could
hear the excitement in her voice but |
didn’t know what to say.

“Hmmm. | don’t know, Karen. | had
other plans,” | lied. My only plan was to
dress up for the trick-or-treaters who
would come to our house.

“C'mon. It'll be fun; you can come early
and help me decorate. Besides, I’m serving
crudité.” | thought about the costume | had
been designing. Maybe it would be fun to
actually wear it out and see the reaction.

“Okay. You got me. I'll go, if only for
the crudité. Your stepfather makes a
mean onion dip. But | can’t come early;
my costume takes a long time to put
together,” | answered.

“What is it?” Karen wondered.

“You'll see. Listen, I’ve got to go. I’m get-
ting the carpet all wet.”

“Hey, Mary?”

“Yes?”

“Are you still on that macrobiotic diet?”

“Sure am. Tastes like gourmet gerbil
fare, but it’s really improving my en-
durance,” | said.

Read Here
About Our
Fabulous
Winners

“Well, I'll see you later then. Maybe you
can run on over here after school tomor-
row and help me brainwash Clara. | think
she tried to say ‘Mama’ today.”

“Okay,” | laughed and hung up. As | fin-
ished drying myself and putting on my
pajamas, | wondered what | had gotten
myself into. Past Halloweens | had dressed
up in the expected costumes: Lady
Macbeth, Albino Killer Rabbit, Teenage
Mutant Zombie. This year, though, | had
decided on a different kind of costume. |
had decided to dress up as a life-size,
anatomically correct Weeping Willow
High cheerleader, brain cells not included.
| fell asleep thinking about my costume and
dreamed | was tossed onto a giant tram-
poline hovering over a large crowd, with
no way down except to jump through a
series of flaming hoops.

| turned to Dr. Capra with one contact in
each eye. | had narrowed down my choice
to two colors: “Acquiescing Aqua” and
“Vociferous Violet.”

“Which one do you think is the real
me?” | asked jokingly.

“Oh, little one,” he answered. ‘Neither.
But if | must choose one, | prefer the aqua.”

“Me too,” | agreed, examining myself
closely with a hand-held mirror. “It brings
out the color in my veins, don’t you think?”
Dr. Capra smiled and shook his head.
About a year ago, | started coming into his
shop every two weeks or so to try on all
the different colors. When he realized that
| was not really interested in actually pur-
chasing a pair of Chameleon Vision lenses,

Dr. Capra offered me a job. Mainly |
answer phones and help customers with
sample frames while Dr. Capra is in the
examining room with patients. It was here
that | first thought of my costume.

In Dr. Capra’s well-lit, mirrored office |
have spent many an afternoon placing and
plucking colored lenses in and out of my
eyes. In moments of unrelenting, undis-
turbed narcissism | would see myself
through different eyes and wonder if |
could have been the head cheerleader, the
Winter Snow Ball Queen, the desired one.
And each time these thoughts would creep
up on me and send me into a whirling
world that belonged to fairies and make-
believe. And each time | would be shocked
awake when | realized that these were my
mother’s thoughts sneaking into my head;
her secret daydreams, her dress-up-world
way of thinking that made me sick.

Indirectly, my mother had been helping
me out with my costume. Up in the attic, in
her cedar chest, neatly sandwiched
between layers of moth-resistant tissue
paper, was her white and blue Weeping
Willow Class of ’69 cheerleading uniform. |
remembered an old photo we had, where
it looked marvelous on her, accentuating
her golden tan, blue-green eyes and straw-
berry blond ponytail with only a flash of
white being emitted from her high wattage
smile. Karen had been asking me about my
costume all week. She’d refused to tell me
what she was dressing up as, to punish me
for my own secrecy. She also told me she
knew | wasn’t on a macrobiotic diet. “You
hate brown rice,” was all she PAGE 84

We couldn’t be more pleased to announce the winners of our “Earn Your Place
in Literary History” Contest. Grace Au, 19, is the grand-prize winner. She’s
from Del Mar, CA, and her story is printed here. For her efforts, Grace gets a
Whole host of prizes, including a $1,000 scholarship from The Princeton
Review and a $1,000 scholarship from Rites by FaberCastell. Our second-
prize winner, Lisa Ke, is 16 and from Allendale, NJ. She wrote a real peach
of a story, “Part One,” about a girl’s relationship with her wildly popular
brother. Lisa bagged a $500 scholarship from The Princeton Review and a
$500 scholarship from Rites. We also have three third-prize winners (who were

awarded such succulent gifts as a Princeton Review course and $100 from Rites by
FaberCastell, a Rites sweatshirt, backpack and a bunch of Rites products): They are the beautifully
named Prairie Rate, age 15 and from Winston-Salem, NC, for her comic Strip “The Epicurean
Fragment”—it is just the cutest thing, about a girl and a boy and their friendship and insecurities; 18-
year-old Kate Nicholoff, of East Lansing, MI, for her disturbing piece of fiction about nuns and an
enraged father called “Salvation”; and 13-year-old Lucy Cutolo. of New York, NY for her idiosyncratic lit-
tle number called “The Train.” Thanks to all you future literary heroines who entered.

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that, in collusion with Inkatha, they assas-
sinate ANC members, generally foment
violence in the black community and
blame the results on the Inkatha-ANC
rivalry. He says the government wants to
remain white-dominated, so they’re erod-
ing black leadership, of which the ANC is
dominant. “The National Party is already
anticipating the upcoming election. They
want to strengthen any group that oppos-
es the ANC. The government uses
Inkatha as a puppet party to weaken the
struggle for freedom.” Inkatha willingly
participates in the violence, says Parks, to
strengthen their position in the negotia-
tions. “It puts them on the political agenda
as a major force.”

Parks thinks that President de Klerk is
also involved. He points to incidents
where generals in the security force
allegedly poisoned anti-apartheid activists,
and one specific incident where Matthew
Goniwe, a teacher who was active in
organizing boycotts, was kidnapped and
killed by security force generals. “Since de
Klerk is commander-in-chief of the securi-
ty forces and has not removed these gen-
erals, he must be implicated in the
crimes,” Parks says. He also claims the
violence is scheduled to occur so that it

78 DECEMBER SASSY

doesn’t interfere with de Klerk’s public
relations visits abroad. (Although the
biggest massacre, in Boipatong, happened
while de Klerk was in Spain.)

When | started this article, | thought
the conflict had a lot to do with tribal dif-
ferences (the Inkathas are mostly Zulus
and the ANC has many Xhosas), because
newspapers tend to mention that as a big
cause. However, Parks says tribal differ-
ences have nothing to do with it. He says
“sometimes Inkatha plays on triba! differ-
ences. They claim that the ANC is Xhosa-
dominated just because Nelson Mandela is
Xhosa. But South Africans don’t look at
themselves in terms of tribes.”

When | ask Parks about an attack on
Inkatha members in Natal that was sup-
posed to have been committed by ANC
people, he pauses. It’s the first time he
does not have a Facts On File-esque record
of the entire event glued to his cerebrum.
He stutters. He starts talking about
another attack where Inkatha paid merce-
naries, who accidentally killed other
Inkatha members, and then the ANC got
blamed. “The government blames the
ANC, but they failed to show how ANC
orchestrated it,’ says Parks. He feels the
security forces train foreigners to attack
ordinary people. And they shoot random-

ly, accidentally killing Inkathas and blaming
the ANC.

The head of the Inkatha Youth Brigade
handpicked Themba Nkosi to be inter-
viewed. Themba is 21, and he’s been a
member of the IYB since he was |3. He
says that the day he joined his mother
was “filled with pride, because she shares
the same hope and sentiment and aspira-
tions as | do.” He wants his 10-year-old
sister to join, because “the party has given
me so much. | would not be who | am
today if | had not joined. It taught me to
give a helping hand and made me accept
people of different colors. Now if | differ
from someone, | give them a chance and
we can find some common ground.”
Themba doesn’t answer most of my
questions directly, and he quotes people
every two seconds, but he seems very
nice and laid-back. He calls me “sister,”
which | find extremely pleasant. This is a
line from a poem he wrote about the
recent violence: “Come land of promise
like a Nile River/Come and dance in
African freedom like Victoria Falls/Lift up
your head and touch the stars like Mount
Kilimanjaro.” This kind of sums up the
attitude of Inkatha—lots of pleasant
images and powerful rhetoric, »PAGE 82

,%

@ PAGE 69 GENERATION

This phenomenon is not entirely new, but
Das EFX takes it to new heights—like the
break in “They Want EFX” when Skoob
mimics that irritating little boy from the
TV commercial: “More Park sausages, Ma!
Please!” Not only are music and simple
rhythms being given new meaning, but a
whole range of stuff from pop culture gets
remixed and redefined.

THE BIG WRAP-UP

This cultural recycling business is big
news, and might be a trademark of con-
temporary popular culture that we could
use to form an identity that goes beyond
the simple marketing demographics that
gave us prepackaged McGenerations like
the “baby boomers.” Yes, cultural recy-
cling is definitely where it’s at—and it’s
everywhere (making everywhere the
place to be—not bad). There’s no ques-
tion that space-wise (the “global village’)
and time-wise (the recycling thing), the
images and sounds that might be used to
define our generation have to be taken
from the wide range of the media that
already exists.

So where the ’60s had JFK (the
President), The Doors (the band) and
Vietnam (the war), we’ve got JFK (the
movie), The Doors (the movie) and The Gulf
War (the home video). Does this mean we
should call ourselves the Oliver Stone gen-
eration? Only in the sense that we've
grown up in a political and cultural cli-
mate—the Reagan and Bush years—in
which images have become more impor-
tant than the political figures, issues and
events they represent. All the cultural sam-
plers I’ve discussed prove that just because
our politics are mass-mediated does not
mean that we are weak pawns in the hands
of the powers that be. Quite the opposite
is true: The media is a realm just waiting to
be picked apart and resynthesized by bud-
ding Waynes, Garths and Latifahs.

Clearly, any identity that will come out
of this fragmented media universe will not
be a neat, marketing-friendly label. But
that’s exactly what we should be looking
for: an identity that emerges from the
mass media we have grown up in, but
whose fragmented nature avoids simplis-
tic, demographically induced marketing
ploys. If this all sounds shamelessly opti-
mistic, it probably is. But it makes ya
think, doesn’t it? Sp

or the Movie .

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under those trappings. He drums for Urge Overkill, those

stylee Chicago rockers who mix soiree power pop with a “heavy
dose of white chocolate.” Here he displays his understanding of
the human condition in a discourse on humility, Catholicism and
bennydom: “Your freshman year at a Catholic high school,
[upperclassmen] have a ritual. They sort of pick on you. When
you're a freshman they call you a ‘benny’—because Benjamin was
the youngest son of Abraham. [Blackie, despite his Catholic edu-
cation, is admittedly not a studied theologian.] If you were ben-
nied—that’s like the verb form—they’d beat your head in. And
they'd do it to every freshman. It was usually sophomores [who
did the bennying] because they had been bennied the previous
year, and they had more aggression toward the incoming fresh-
men.” Lucky for Blackie, un-jocks like him endured a far less “rit-
ualistic” bennification. “l was supposed to be thrown into a
garbage can and kicked down a flight of stairs. But when these
two guys went up to me and tried to put me in the can, all these
other sophomores grabbed the two guys and stuck them in it. So
| thought, Wow! | just totally got out of my bennydom! | felt real-
ly great. That was, like, 10:00 in the morning. Then at the end of
the day, there they all were waiting for me in the parking lot. |
had my face dragged through a smelly, slushy puddle for 10 min-
utes. | sort of tried to fight back, and that was a mistake. What
made it embarrassing, and the reason why | would have even
tried to fight back, was because the girls from the sister school
right across the field would come to this same parking lot to
board the buses. That day | chose not to look any of them in the
eye. | got a lot of sympathy, though, on the bus ride home.’

LOU BARLOW

Mr. Lou “Gimme Indie Rock!” Barlow, whom you might remem-
ber from his Dinosaur Jr. days, is now seducing new fans as
mostly front man for Sebadoh, the way-great, often acoustic,
western Massachusetts combo who recently signed with Sub
Pop. Lou reports that “high school was totally torturous. | never
had a girlfriend and | didn’t know how to talk to people.” And he
was still a tad shy when he talked to us about close contact
sports and unrequited love.

“There was this girl who had a crush on me in the eighth
grade. She invited me to a party at her house, and | never went
to anybody's parties, ever. But [prompted by my mother] | went,
and | found out that she had my name plastered all over her wall
in her room.” Lou only spoke “one or two words to her” that
night, not because he was a jerk ass stick in the mud (see Sassy
Glossary, “What Now”), but because he was just too shy. “And
the next year, in high school, my gym teacher made me wrestle
with her.’ Lou confirms that coed wrestling was not a normal
activity at his school. “The gym teacher was just a total jerk, and
he made me wrestle with her in front of everyone. He was
doing it, like, having no idea that this girl had a crush on me the
year before. He was doing it just to...kind of...because | was
really quiet. And to really wrestle her | had to really work at it
because she was really athletic and powerful. | couldn't let her
beat me, because everyone would say that | got beaten by a girl.
But | didn’t want to hurt her and | didn’t—I just felt really
embarrassed. Yeah, and | felt totally horrible, because after we
got done wrestling, everyone accused me of trying to feel her up
or something. It was horrible. And just all the implications that
the girl | was wrestling was also the girl who'd had my name
plastered all over her room a year before.” &

2

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@ PAGE 78 SOUTH AFRICA

but no clear plan.

Themba says there are two basic rea-
sons for the fighting: “First, the ANC
believes that the problems of this country
will be solved through armed struggle.
They have told people to manufacture
their own weapons. We, the IFP, believe
problems of this country should end
through the negotiations; they believe
problems will be solved through violence.
We take the Christian approach. Second,
when they were in exile, what they
planned to do when they came to power
has not taken shape, and they see it is not
so easy, not a bed of roses, so they are
angry. Also, the ANC realizes that we are
the strongest party. They declared war on
us in 1984 because we said we would
never be a part of their organization.
They think they are the sole representa-
tive of black people, but they are not.”

The ANC was originally banned back in
1960, and as a result it developed a com-
munist-driven guerilla wing and planned a
takeover of the government to make it a
socialist state. Within the ANC today,
there are still communist and military fac-
tions, but the ANC’s official position is in
favor of a democratic South Africa—with
a one-person, one-vote system. Since
blacks are the majority, Themba believes
that would be like reverse apartheid, with
black domination. He says, “Inkatha rep-
resents what the old [pre-1960] ANC
represented—a nonviolent solution to
our problems.”

| find it hard to reconcile Themba’s
pacifist rhetoric with the violence that
Inkatha has been accused of. Themba
explains it this way: “It is only to protect
oneself. It should not be seen as a wrong
thing that the Inkathas protect them-
selves; it’s a democratic right. The media
doesn’t report when Inkatha members are
attacked, but when we protect ourselves,
then they report it as a way to make us
look bad.”

| ask him if Inkatha members were pro-
tecting themselves at Boipatong, and he
says, “It was a very sad state of affairs and
I’m concerned with it. We hope such
things would never, ever be repeated in
this nation’s history. Talking about this
might be like crying over spilled milk.
Nobody expected that this situation
would happen. The attack was not carried
out by Inkatha; it was carried out by peo-
ple who don’t want democracy and don’t
understand what it means.” He does not
get any more specific than this. When |

pursue this question he says: “If you were
here you would see there are tears flow-
ing down my cheeks because I’ve never
recovered from what happened. It cuts
very close to the bone.”

Practically the first two things that
Parks talked about were apartheid and the
government. Themba does not mention
them until | specifically bring them up, nor
does he seem to feel very intensely about
either. He says: “The government is not
spreading the violence. They try to come
in the way of the violence. People blame
them instead of coming closer to them
and helping them. | don’t say the govern-
ment is perfect or is not to be blamed for
the wave of violence. It is just not only
their fault—everyone must get together
to stop it; it is not only one man’s job.”

Themba finds the ANC’s theory of
Inkatha’s link with the government very
distasteful. He says, “They think that we
are government stooges [Parks actually
used this exact phrase]. They said that
Buthelezi [the leader of Inkatha] is a col-
laborator, a common lackey of the govern-
ment. They don’t seem to remember that
out of all of the people who fought for
Mandela’s release, Buthelezi was number
one. It was only when we, Inkatha, advised

U.S. POSTAL SERVICE STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP,
MANAGEMENT AND CIRCULATION (REQUIRED BY
39 U.S.C. 3685). 1A. Title of Publication: Sassy. |B.
Publication Number: 002542. 2. Date of Filing: September
24, 1992. 3. Frequency of Issue: Monthly. 3A. No. of
Issues Published Annually: 12. 3B. Annual Subscription
Price: $14.97. 4. Complete Mailing Address of Known
Office of Publication: 230 Park Avenue, New York, NY
10169. 5. Complete Mailing Address of the Headquarters
of General Business Offices of the Publisher: 230 Park
Avenue, New York, NY 10169. 6. Full Names and
Complete Mailing Address of Publisher, Editor; and
Managing Editor: Publisher: Linda Cohen, 230 Park
Avenue, New York, NY 10169. Editor-in-Chief: Jane Pratt,
230 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10169. Managing Editor:
Anne Vaccaro Brady, 230 Park Avenue, New York, ‘NY
10169. 7. Owners: |. Sassy Publishers, Inc., 230 Park
Avenue, New York, NY 10169. A. M.P. Acquisition,
Corp., 230 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10169. 8. Known
Bondholders, Mortgagees, and Other Security Holders
Owning or Holding | Percent or More of Total Amount
of Bonds, Mortgagees or Other Security Holders: None.
9. NA. 10. Extent and Nature of Circulation-Average No.
Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 Months: A. Total
No. Copies: 991,772; BI. Paid and/or Requested Sales
Through Dealers and Carriers, Street Vendors and
Counter Sales: 111,333; B2. Paid and/or Requested Mail
Subscription: 630,898; C. Total Paid and/or Requested
Circulation: 742,231; D. Free Distribution by Mail, Carrier
or Other Means Samples, Complimentary, and Other
Free Copies: 6,400; E. Total Distribution: 748,631; Fl.
Copies Not Distributed, Office Use, Left Over,
Unaccounted, Spoiled After Printing: 11,949; F2. Copies
Not Distributed, Return from News Agents: 231,192; G.
Total: 991,772. 10. Extent and Nature of Circulation-
Actual No. Copies of Single Issue Published Nearest to
Filing Date: A. Total No. Copies: 1,041,080; BI. Paid
and/or Requested Sales Through Dealers and Carriers,
Street Vendors and Counter Sales: 150,000; B2. Paid
and/or Requested Mail Subscription: 665,920; C. Total
Paid and/or Requested Circulation: 815,920; D. Free
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statements made by me above are correct and complete.
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said. We went out to lunch on Friday, thoroughly enjoying our
bacon cheeseburgers and mocha mint milkshakes.

Late Friday afternoon | helped Dr. Capra close the shop early
and left his office with a quickened step, my heart beating fast. In
my jacket pocket, the two little glass vials clinked against each
other in celebration. He had lent me a pair of the aqua lenses for
my costume. When | got home | went straight to the bathroom
and locked the door. Following the directions on the back of the
bottle of haircoloring, | saturated my lifeless locks with dye solu-
tion and shoved it into an old shower cap before settling down
into a steaming bath. Even the hot water did nothing to calm my
nerves; | was running on a kind of nervous, excited energy that |
had never experienced before. After 15 minutes of soaking, |
shampooed and dried my hair, gently wrapping it up into a turban.
The bath left my skin sweet-smelling and sunburnt-looking. |
opened the paper bag full of supplies that | had bought at the
drugstore. | began sponging on a creamy “Alabaster Beige” base
on my face and neck. Next | opened the sterile vials and popped
two beautiful irises onto my own. | blinked at the mirror. Though
| told myself | was doing this as a big joke, another part of me was
really enjoying the whole ritual. | carefully applied eye makeup,
replete with two coats of brown mascara, copying the way | had
seen my mother do it all the times | had watched her when | was
little. When | was all powdered and done, | pulled off the towel
and a mass of clingy, wet, strawberry blond curls tumbled out. |
put on the uniform and a pair of “Naughty Nude” pantyhose
underneath. In a glance, | saw my mother in the mirror; the way
she looked in the group portrait in the attic, enthusiasm spilling
over, electric jolts of energy flying out of each ringlet. | hoped no
one would wonder why I’d be wearing white gloves in October.

“Mary! You look beautiful!” my mother gasped as | came
downstairs. A hot flush of annoyance moved through me but sub-
sided quickly, to my surprise. | even let her take a few snapshots
before | headed outside.

“Have a good time, sweetheart!” she called out behind me,
waving furiously. She looked as though she might cry. Outside the
air felt cool and | felt good. But as | neared Karen’s house, my
steps became hesitant. | told myself not to sweat because it would
cause my makeup to run down my neck in orangey rivulets. | took
a deep breath and entered the open door. The typical ghouls and
boys from school were milling about the darkened living room,
their feet tapping to the beat of the music. Several people smiled
and said hello; clearly they did not recognize me. At first | mocked
my mother’s fake cheerleader smile, but after a while | relaxed
and actually had conversations with various classmates before |
spotted Karen, dressed as Julius Caesar, arranging a fresh plate of
vegetables and dip on the coffee table. She had always been
adamantly proud of her rather aquiline nose.

“Psst. Karen,” | whispered.

“Yes?” she said. Then, “Mary? Is that you? | cannot believe it!”
she laughed. “Wow, you look great.” She walked in a circle
around me before she fingered my hair to see if it was real.

“Is it permanent?” Karen asked, her eyes glazed like doughnuts.

“Nope. The hair color comes out in a few washes and the con-
tacts are due in the office tomorrow.” | smiled. Karen shook her
head at me.

“You really are something, you know that?” Karen » PAGE 86

@ PAGE34 VINTAGE WATCHING
with high-level intrigue, this flick’s ultimate
concern is human nature. Watch right and
wrong blur as you dissect this orgy of
megalomania and greed. As a conspiracy
flick, an analysis of the Cold War and a
look into humankind’s darker side, The
Manchurian Candidate is one smart movie.
Great movies, however, can be smart
and dumb at the same time, and that bal-
ance is what makes Jonathan Demme’s
Something Wild (1986) rule. This flick
has it all: cool characters, twisted plot,
stars on the verge of fame (Jeff Daniels,
Melanie Griffith, Ray Liotta), fluffy stuff, evil
stuff, social commentary and a mega
soundtrack. It’s like a funky little thrift
shop, thick with atmosphere. So much is
packed into this movie that after even the
[Oth viewing you still unearth neat little
treasures—like John VVaters in a cameo
_as a used-car salesman, or the Feelies play-
ing at a high school reunion. Ignore the
doofy premise of yuppies gone wild and
soak in the dizziness of it all. Something
Wild proves that fun can be literate too.
While most classic films are original in
their own right, they usually adhere to
some reference points. Part documen-
tary that captures a slice of Austin, TX,
part stream-of-consciousness experi-
ment, the beautiful, loopy anarchy that is
Slacker (1991) dodges almost every cin-
ematic convention. Here, the camera is
the real star. It cruises through Austin,
hanging sporadically with innumerable
local characters, like the zonin’ chick who
claims to have acquired one of Madonna’s
Pap smears, or the guy who is convinced
that cartoon dog Scooby-Doo is a
metaphor for capitalist oppression. The
camera follows one person for a few min-
utes until it latches onto an equally off-
the-wall passerby, and on and on. It’s like
a really cool party: you pick up on lots of
little chunks of conversation, some rele-
vant, some profound, some funny, some
cheesy. Of course, with such a slapdash
presentation, things often get cut off pre-
maturely. But, well, that’s the point.
Although director Richard Linklater’s
crafty, innovative anti-style alone qualifies
Slacker as a classic, the last moment
approaches absolute bliss. After two giddy
hours, Linklater closes with a shot of a
camera being flung into the air like a bridal
bouquet. Feel yourself moving to catch it
and know what makes a movie great. &

ADVERTISEMENT

WHERE or .2S A T

Yes, once again we give the names of the places where you can find the stuff you
saw in this issue:

MAYBELLINE, Inside Front Cover, PG. |: Available at a store near
you.

SWATCH, PG. 5: Abraham & Straus; Bon Ton; Bon Marche; Boscovs;
Burdines; Broadway /Broadway SW; Bergner & Co.; Bloomingdale's; Bullocks;
Dayton Hudson/Marshall Field; Dillard’s; Emporium Capwell; Foley's; Famous
Barr; Filene's; Fortunoff; G. Fox; Hecht Co.; Jordan Marsh; Kaufman Dept.
Stores; L.A. Ayres & Co.; Lazarus; Liberty House; Maas Brothers; Macy's May
(LA); May D&F; Meier & Frank; Pranges; Rich’s; Robinson's.

ARISTA: LaFACE RECORDS, PG. 6: TLC is available at all Musicland
stores.

BED HEADS (PUT IT ON), PG. 14: Left and center, nightgowns from
Billy Martin's (NYC); and Fred Segal (L.A.). Robe from L.L. Bean
1-800-221-4421. Right, pajamas from selected specialty stores. Far right,
pajamas from L.L. Bean 1-800-221-4221. PG. 16: Shirt from tof
Peace (914) 331-5800. Flannel nightgown from TK; Zona (NYC); Macy's (CA);
Dayton Hudson stores. Pajamas from L.L. Bean 1-800-221-4221. Shirt from
Department of Peace (914) 331-5800. Robe from CG TK Ad Hoc (NYC),
Macy's (CA); and Dayton Hudson stores. White pajamas from Billy Martin
(NYC); and Fred Sega.

MERRY GO ROUND, PG. 19: Willowbrook Mall (NJ); Greenwich Village
(NY); Empire State Building (NY); Fairlane Town Center (MI); Queens Center
(NY); Evergreen Plaza (IL); Brickyard Mall (IL); Kings Plaza Shoping Center
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(OH); Cherry Hill Mall (NJ); The Galleria (TX); Sharpstown Center (TX);
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Mall (KY); Copley Place (MA); Gallery | at Market East (PA); Bayside
Marketplace (FL); Cheltenham Square (PA).

LEVI STRAUSS & CO. JEANS FOR WOMEN, PG. 23, 25, 27: For
the store nearest you, call toll free: (800) USA-LEVI.

COLUMBIA HOUSE, PG. 32-33: Entertaining America . . . one person
at a time. Choose any 8 CD's or |2 cassettes for $1! See our ad for more
details.

RUSS BERRIE & CO., PG. 37: You'll find Russ Berrie & Co. at your
neighborhood store where there are friendly people to help you find that
special gift. Or call (800) 343-7877.

JOHN FLUEVOG, PG. 38: Vancouver, BC (604) 688-2828; Seattle, WA
(206) 441-1065; Boston, MA (617) 266-1079; Toronto, ONT (416) 581-1420;
NY (212) 431-4484.

CABOODLES, PG. 39, 41: Kmart; Woolworth; Jamesway; Walgreen;
Fred Meyer; Target; Hilts; Osco; American Drug; Pay-N-Save; Caldor; Drug
Emporium; Wal-Mart; Roses; Payless Drug; Shopko; Venture; F&M; JC
ai Bradlees; Phar Mor; Genovese; Thrift Drug; } Eckerd Drugs; Longs;
0.
FOX HOME VIDEO, PG. 43: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” FREE posters
available at participating video stores November 25.
DR. SEUSS, PG. 54: jacket from The Antique Boutique (NYC); Bodysuit
from selected dept. and specialty stores. Leggings from selected dept. and
specialty stores. PG. 55: jacket from The Antique Boutique (NYC); shirt
from selected dept. and specialty stores. Leggings from Na Na (NYC and
Santa Monica). PG. 56: Top from Cool Wear. Check dept. and specialty
stores. Overalls from X-Large (LA.); Na Na (NYC); Patricia Field (NYC);
Funessentials (L.A.). PG. 57: Bra from X-Large (L.A.); Na Na (NYC); Patricia
Field (NYC); Funessentials (LA.); Leggings from Trash & Vaudeville (NYC);
Global Ghetto (NY). PG. 58: Dress from Knit Wit (Boukder, CO) &
Nordstrom (Seattle). Top from Esprit 1-800-777-8765; overalls from The
Antique Boutique (NYC). PG. 59: Left, dress from Billy Martin (NYC); and
Fred Segal (L.A.). Center, vest from X-Large (L.A.); Na Na (NYC);
Funessentials (L.A.); and Patricia Field (NYC). Right, dress from 25 Central
(Northampton, MA). Tights from selected Benetton stores. PG. 60: Dress
from Billy Martin (NYC) and Fred Segal (LA.). PG. 61: Left, shirt from
selected dept. and specialty stores. White dress from Ovations
(Potomac, MD). Center: shirt from Trash & Vaudevile (NYC & Phitadelphia):
The Cellar (Woodbridge Mall, NJ). Dress from Collection Agency (212)
354-6530. Right, dress from Urban Outfitters stores and selected specialty
stores.

LOVE’S BABY SOFT, PG. 79: Available at local drug stores.
NANA, PG. 80: For mail information, call | (800) 347-4728.

LORUS, PG. 81: Lorus watches available at: Best Products; JC Penney;
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TEEN FORMULA MIDOL, PG. 82: Dominick's; Drug Emporium; Fox
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ESPRIT, PG. 89: For more information on where to find ESPRIT please call:
(800) 777-8765.

WHAT’S GOING ON

How would you like to have Disneyland all to yourself? That's the prize that
CABOODLES 5 offering for its Christmas 1992 Sweepstakes. Just think —
you invite whoever you want for an all-night party session, and
CABOODLES pays for it! You can’t miss this! So look for the
CABOODLES “Al-Night Jam at Disneyland” display and 800

number at retail stores nationwide from October I5th, 1992-January Ist,
1993.

SASSY says, don’t forget to enter the very cool TLC contest! See page 6
for details. TL.C’s album, “ooooh . . . on the TLC Tip” is available at your
music store.

Get a FREE poster featuring Kristy Swanson and Luke Perry! Sign up to
rent “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” at participating video stores and get a
free poster. Look for poster displays beginning November 25. “Buffy . . .” is
coming to video December 12.

Don't miss the second annual John Fluevog Contest! John Fluevog

wants you to design a shoe using his new totally natural Angelic Sole. John

Fluevog will turn the winning design into a real, live pair of shoes, just for

you! Four runners-up will receive a gift certificate for $100 off a pair of John

Fluevog Shoes. Deadline is February 14, so get those entries in. Check out

joe Fluevog's ad on page 38 and this month's “What Now” for more
tails.

ESO VAS
o)iTate

?

the magical new album featuring “love,’
the follow-up to their acclaimed debut

reading,writing and arithmetic

Rts,

DAVID GEFFEN COMPANY

produced by gavurin/wheeler and dave anderson engineered by dave anderson ©1992 the david geffen company

took my arm in hers and introduced me to some people, including
Marcus, her boyfriend. Everyone was surprisingly nice. | was having
a better time than | had ever imagined and | hadn’t even had any of
Herbert’s onion dip yet. But all good things come to an end.

At midnight, there was a sudden uproar of laughter and commo-
tion at the door. In came a boy | faintly recognized, with a face
painted white, an equally white shoulder-length wig on his head. In
his hand he held an empty can.

“Hey! Toss me another Miller Lite,’ he said to his friend be-
hind him.

“You mean, Miller White?” his friend answered, laughing hearti-
ly, stumbling over his words. Not until then did | realize who he
was dressed up as. Then | noticed he was wearing a “Mr. Bubble”
T-shirt, just like the one | wore to school every other Monday.
Hot tears rushed fiercely to my eyes as | pushed my way through
the crowd and out the door. Behind me | could hear Karen calling
my name, but even then | didn’t stop. The whole way home the
cold wind helped hold the tears back; | didn’t want to stain my
mother’s uniform. | could have run forever but after three blocks
my house pulled up in front of me. As soon as | reached the bath-
room | locked the door and peeled off the costume part by part. |
scrubbed my face as hard as | could, crying under the running
faucet. What did it matter that | was Technicolor for a night? Like
Cinderella, my night of revelry would fade by morning and | hadn't
even been clever enough to leave behind a sneaker for my prince.
Those boys probably didn’t even know my name, much less think
that | was going to be at the party. My face burned in anger and
shame. Much worse than their teasing, | had let myself believe |
had found the magic solution, a panacea in a two-dollar bottle of
hair dye. | wonder if this is how Cinderella felt as she walked
home, barefoot and ragged. | jumped into the shower and washed
my hair three times, but it only faded to a sickly pink. | grabbed
the scissors from the cabinet and began to cut, feeling lighter as
each lock dropped to the floor. When only an inch was left on my
head, | pulled out the shears and shaved the rest. | gazed into the
mirror and had to laugh. | looked completely ridiculous. For an
instant | almost felt sorry for my mother; | could see her staring in
horror and disbelief. | shook my head; it felt so light and free. | put
on my favorite T-shirt and climbed into bed. | don’t think |
dreamt at all.

Saturday morning Karen came by the house. She knocked on
my bedroom door.

“Mary? Open up. It’s me. Are you okay?” Before | could
clear the sticky quietness that settles in your mouth from
hours of sleep, she answered herself. “Of course you are. Will
you just open the door?” | opened the door and stood square
in front of her.

“You shaved your head,” she nodded, barely concealing a
smirk.

“Yeah. | did,” | agreed.

“So... you want to go downtown and buy a hat?” she asked.

“Nope. | already got one.” | pointed to the bedpost with my
gleaming globe of a head.

“Want to go downtown anyway and scare all the salesladies?”
she asked.

“Sure,” | answered and smiled as | grabbed my old baseball
cap. Like | said, one friend is really all you need. &

PEPE BOTELLA

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In case you haven't already guessed, the
horoscopes are absent from this issue of
Sassy. It isn’t because we don’t like them.
In fact, we find them pretty addictive—a
guilty pleasure, buried among the person-
al ads or hidden in the backs of maga-
zines. We don’t discuss them with
friends, no matter how religiously we
peruse those ’scopes, or mistake them
for scientific proof, or for anything other
than entertainment. And yet they are
totally compelling. Why is this? Maybe
because with so many things to deal with
in everyday life, we don’t always want to
accept blame or take control, although you
Aries must be assertive on the 9th because
people will be impressed, and it may lead to
recognition on the | 7th. And horo-
scopes provide easy answers.

But like any addiction, horoscopes
can become an emotional crutch. A
friend of mine fell into this trap. She
confessed to courting a horoscope
“900” number during her first year
of college, and it quickly became an
obsessive source for relationship
advice. A warning to you cash-
strapped Capricorns: Don’t let yourself
spend money obsessively on the 26th.
Although you may have picked up
some extra dinero on the | 7th, it'll be
long gone by then. Only after the
$300 phone bill arrived did my
friend recognize that real answers
are never that easy.

For me, on the other hand, horo-
scopes are more of a search for the
occasional kernel of wisdom. Aquarians
may also do a bit of searching this month.
It’s time to focus on improving yourself, but
don’t get super-critical on the 22nd.
When | do find a relevant piece of
advice, | cut it out for future reference.
As a result, there are snippets of horo-
scopes breeding in piles throughout my
room. Speaking of piles, Cancers may
want to stay home on the | 9th to take
care of domestic things—like tackling the
mounds of paper in your room. Others
are pasted in my journal because they
reflect my mood or describe issues

88 DECEMBER SASSY

ynelres

~ § migsi°®

by Jennifer Waits, 25, San Francisco, CA

that I’m trying to deal with.

Actually, | think most of us are drawn
to horoscopes in our endless search for
philosophical and/or spiritual guidance.
Humans have endlessly quested for
enlightenment of this kind, but in the
"90s there are fewer sources. And
because horoscopes provide very tar-
geted messages of guidance for every
sign, they make us feel special and
somehow defined. For example, | AM A
TAURUS: Watch me be perfectionistic
and stubborn! By the way, Taurus, accord-
ing to my sources, this month will be full
of opportunities for you! We can also
make celestial bodies our scapegoats

for inexplicable

behaviors: “Well, since lM A SCOR-
PIO, everyone should expect this pas-
sionate side of me.” How ‘bout romantic
passion on the 29th, Scorpios? Or we can
use them to figure out why our signifi-
cant others behave so inscrutably—|
didn’t do my astrological homework
before beginning my last relationship,
and the results were disastrous. But you
Libra gals out there still have time. Make
sure you watch out for fussy men on the

20th, and don’t let yourself be controlled by
their demands.

We also like horoscopes because they
provide instant gratification. The time it
takes to read them is nothing compared
with the expenditure required to take in
most other sources of wisdom, such as
books or conversational therapy. Of
course, horoscopes are not the only
“quick-fix” coping mechanisms. Some
spirituality-seekers might look to fortune
cookies, Tarot cards or psychics. Speaking

of psychics, you Geminis will positively beam

with spiritual understanding on the | 8th, so
don’t let anyone sway your opinions that day.
Like horoscopes, these are more con-
structive than we sometimes realize.
They encourage us to confront ourselves,
because too often we focus on external
things or on other people’s problems to
avoid our own. This rings true for you Leos
this month: In your search for outside sources
of happiness, see how elevated youre feeling
on the 4th when you do a favor for a friend. |
do this all the time—it’s like that
sudden compulsion we have to
rearrange the furniture in our
rooms the night before a huge
exam.

Now that I’ve expounded on the
great potential of horoscopes, you
may be asking yourself why | didn’t
just shut up and make myself popular

by getting someone to write them. Oh
yeah, by the way: You Pisces are really
going to shine this month, getting lots of
attention, especially by impressing authority
figures. I’m taking some risks here, |
know—lI may have already alienated
every avid ’scoper. My intention was sim-
ply to help you confront your behaviors,
which is not a problem for you Virgos, since
this month will be one of introspection. You will
get in touch with your true self and be incredi-
bly psyched about what you learn. But if you
read this to find answers from the stars or
because you wanted to escape, then you
probably feel let down and | apologize.
Although you birthday gal Sagittarians proba-
bly won’t be too traumatized by your low-
profile astrological treatment this month
because you are easygoing and lighthearted.
Besides, it’s only appropriate since this
month will be one for taking charge of your-
self and pursuing independence. Hopefully |
haven’t sent you screaming to a 900
number. None of us can afford that.

ILLUSTRATION: AUTUMN BECKETT

Don’t let his youthful appearance fool you.
At the tender age of two, Maxwell Reed
Davis has already rendered the demise
of “Cute Band Alert” prototype
Bullet LaVolta [February 1990],
which played its last show in
September because Maxwell's
vocalist father, Yukki Gipe,
wanted to spend more time
with his son. “You can just
call him Max,” says Yukki
of the tyke who brings
woe to all us “What
Now” followers. But

greed is unbecoming, and

we lusting ladies must

remember that we're

not the only ones who

have suffered. “It was

really hard to be away,”
Yukki laments. “I would
call from on the road, you
know, and he’d say, ‘Daddy
bye-bye... Daddy bye-bye.’”’
And, to revise the lyrics of
the great metal band Poison,
with every thorn comes a rose;
for Yukki’s undivided paternal
care is sure to foster Max’s quickly
developing talent. “He’s already
showing an inclination for perfor-
mance,” reports Yukki. “He has one of
those karaoke features on his little tape
recorder.” Max’s favorite songs include “The
ABC Song,” which is also “Baa Baa Black Sheep,”
and “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” and he sings a com-
bination of all three of them. He also likes the “Itsy
Bitsy Spider”—he can do the hand motions to it. Max
spends some of his spare time watching the garbage
trucks come and take the garbage every Friday. “He's
into that,” says Yukki. “He has a little garbage truck,
and he calls it a ‘barbage truck.’ He’s really happy with
it.” Forget Bullet LaVolta. I’m in love with Max! “I guess
| should also mention,” says Yukki, “that he probably
wouldn’t have been able to break up the band if a cou-
ple more million people had bought our last record,
Swandive, because then | could afford to take him on
tour with me.” Start buying, girls. Laura M.

90 DECEMBER SASSY

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